Emmy Award Fashion: Hits and Misses

Bizarro Post Fashion Bureau- So uh, I've been asked to write about "fashion hits and misses" at the Emmy Awards last night. I usually cover college football, but we've never actually published a story about any football news, college or otherwise. My supervising editor thought I was an unpaid intern. In a play to "get me off of my lazy ass", I've been assigned to critique fashion at the 2013 Emmy Awards. I meant to take pictures on the red carpet with my cell phone, but my thumb covered up most of them. Here goes, I guess.

Dudes: They were all wearing the same thing, pretty much. Like, a black suit and tie. Kind of reminds me, I really need to invest in a suit someday. I haven't had one my entire adult life, you know. I wore a rental at prom though, so that was cool.

Michelle Dockery: Her dress kind of looks like drapes from the Holiday Inn. You know, that big heavy maroon drapes they've got that you don't want to touch because you never know where the weird stains are going to be? Also, check out the high beams. Reminds me of my awkward tryst after the prom I mentioned earlier. HIT.

Lena Dunham: This thing looks like the wallpaper from my grandma's bathroom, only with fewer nicotine stains. It doesn't look badass enough to go with that bitchin' ink on her arm. I'm thinking, like, a nice t-shirt, leather vest, jeans, maybe some chaps. Plus, the v-cut thing on her top goes all the way down to her bellybutton, yet there's no cleavage whatsoever. That's some X-Files shit. MISS.

Elizabeth Moss: Reminded me of Oreos, and chicks with short hair are hot. Both of those together are pretty good, HIT.

Cat Deeley: Yeah, I haven't heard of this lady either, but I really wanted to mention her because she's wearing this dress that looks like one of those demon guys from the Hellraiser movies. It's all all black and slick, and her body looks all malformed and stuff. Pretty spooky. HIT.

Zosia Mamet: I think it's pretty cool of her to wear a dress finger-painted by the young patients of St.Jude Children's Hospital. I don't know why her boobs are wearing sunglasses though. Normally, breast shades would be hilarious, but this was supposed to be about the kids. MISS.

Kate Mara: She was going to wear a completely see-through top, but some jerk installed lattice over all of the interesting parts. MISS.

Sofia Vergara: Ohohohoho, yeah. HIT.

Jenny Packham: Translucent dresses don't really go that well with Wonder Woman shorts underneath. MISS.

Heidi Klum: You ever see that movie, The Fifth Element? Nobody seems to acknowledge just how ridiculously hot that movie was, and this thing totally looks like something you'd see in there. Hell, yeah, more of that, please! HIT.

Claire Danes: Aw, mom! Put those things away, Jesus. MISS.