Bizarro Post Fast Food Bureau- As the economy crumbled, the fast food giant McDonald's was faced with a dire situation. How could they continue to pay their employees poverty-level wages without them coming to work looking like concentration camp refugees?
"We had a lot of very disloyal McDonald's Friends coming to work with distended stomachs and skeletal faces," said McDonald's pitchman Ronald T. McDonald. "Those sons of WHORES were having their little FAG children and giving them what food they could, with no consideration of my FUCKING corporate GODDAMN image! Whoo! Sorry, kiddos! Old Ronald is only a clown, and we Clownish folk got a lot of evil inside of us that festers like maggots in a putrid wound!"
After months of research, McDonald's rolled out a solution that seemed obvious to many. McDonald's makes cheap quasi-food, McDonald's needs to fatten up their cheap labor, therefore McDonald's can offer free food as a benefit to their employees with negligible impact on their bottom line or CEO bonuses.
Little did they know, the prize inside of these Happy Meals was Pandora's Box; primed for opening.
The free food policy began in 2009. But now, the consequences are abundantly clear. Thousands of employees suffer from failure in various organs. Nearly all of them are morbidly obese and diabetic, or pre-diabetic. Performing an study on employee mortality became a subject of intense interest in the scientific community, and the results are unsurprising, sadly.
"I can tell you right now that this lifestyle McDonald's is promoting is not sustainable, at least not for their company. If mortality rates remain at 32 for males and 35 for females, they'll be critically understaffed within the decade," said Applied Health Research researcher Dr. Johan Casper.
Neo-liberal economists are not buying this projection, insisting that there will always be enough fodder for the McDonald's meat grinder. With globalization reducing wages and opportunities in nearly every sector of the American economy, they may just be right.
"I don't see why I'm supposed to have sympathy for these...people," said noted lower-middle-class asshole Francis Farley. "It's easy to go back to school and learn an actual trade. There's no reason why these people should be paid more for unskilled labor, even if they've been a model employee for over a decade!"
As of this writing, Farley has been laid off from his management position at an automotive part company, missed several of his mortgage payments, and is now homeless. Rumor has it that Farley has a large number of gold coins hidden in his chest cavity, if any industrious hobos out there have a shiv or two lying around. Just saying.
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