Bizarro Business Bureau- An hour outside of Bizarro Cleveland, the Brigham family were surprised to receive a phone call from international oil company Crude Awakenings. In exchange for being allowed to drill on their land, the Brighams would instantly become the wealthiest people in their rural township.
"We were blown away, you know?" said Adam Brigham, 48. "I saw 'The Beverley Hillbillies' just like anyone else, but I didn't know things like that happened for real. Especially not to me."
Adam discussed the offer with his wife, Gloria Brigham, 46, who was instantly reluctant.
"We needed the money, of course," Gloria said. "But our son showed me a video of a man lighting his tap on fire after they started drilling on his land. What happens when you drink that stuff? And how am I supposed to smoke in the shower anymore?"
Drew Brigham, 14, wasn't told just how much Crude Awakening had offered, but he overheard conversations that left him anticipating big things.
"My first car is going to be badass! And I won't have to settle for the gross chicks for homecoming dances anymore, after I step into class with Air Force Ones and platinum chains. It's gonna be fly as hell! Course, I'm going to tell my parents that I want a college fund."
It wasn't long before Crude Awakenings called again, likely intending to up the pressure and drop hints about imminent domain procedures. But they needn't have bothered. Adam Brigham decided to sell.
Gloria's sudden change of heart sealed the deal. "Drew came up to me in tears with this article from 'Responsible Kids Monthly'. His grandma gets him a subscription for Christmas every year, but I never thought he read it. Drew was so broken up about how he didn't have money to save, and he'd never have enough for school. He was right, I suppose. There was only one way it would ever happen."
The Brigham family's net worth went up, and so too did the drilling rigs. It wasn't long before their worst fears were realized.
Gloria was the first to discover the change. "I was going to surprise the husband with something I saw on the Steve Harvey. He said to put some little candles all up around your bath, and wait for your man to come home from work."
As she lit the first candle, the water in the bathtub exploded. Fortunately for the Brigham's, some of their new wealth had gone towards a robust insurance policy that covered the damage. However, the Brigham family was left without answers.
"We are sorry to hear about Mrs. Brigham immolating her bathtub. Scientists at Crude Awakenings Institute for Complaint Dismissal have determined that it is totally her fault and has nothing to do with any project related to our company and its skilled technicians."
A Spark of Inspiration
Drew, however, was struck by inspiration. He filled his Supersoaker water gun with water from his kitchen tap, and held a lighter to the nozzle while a friend captured the experiment on his cellphone.
"I pulled the trigger, and it was like some 'Call of Duty' shit! I was like, 'Dude, tell me you recorded that!'"
He had. The video went viral on YouTube, and soon the sport of "Extreme Supersoaking" was a nationwide sensation. Thousands of people of all ages turned their neighborhoods into ashen battlefields, delighting the public with intense displays of pyrotechnic prowess.
"It's the most intense experience in action sports," said American Extreme Supersoakers Founder and Chairman Frank Shoemaker. "In between organizing tournaments, I'm taking calls from Viacom, X Games executives, and toy manufacturers wanting to buy the patents to our custom rigs. We're here to stay!"
Crude Awakenings, whose fracking gasholes started it all, approached the sensation with reluctance--at least until the Olympic Committee began mulling a possible event addition for the next series of summer games. 24 hours later, a press release was published on the Crude Awakenings website.
"Our customers have spoken loudly and clearly. We are pleased to announce that Drew 'Firestorm' Brigham has agreed to a Crude Awakenings corporate sponsorship as he prepares to enter the 2013 Regional tournament. Keep an eye out for new swag coming to our online store, and cheer on 'Firestorm' as he chars the competition!"
The tournament, which is scheduled for August 3rd, sold every spectator ticket within five minutes.
President Obama summarized the event in his weekly YouTube address. "America has always been a nation of innovators; not to mention a nation of top-tier athletes. Nothing exemplifies the spirit of our nation like Extreme Supersoaking."
Our words exactly, Mr. President.
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