The Holy Prophet is the anointed servant of the Grand Overspirit. All hail the Holy Prophet!
Greetings, blessed children of the Grand Overspirit. I come to you now with a vital message, for now is the time for the world to know the truth. Why now? The Supreme Court of the United States is currently considering a case that could potentially allow corporations to bypass any number of laws based on their religious beliefs. What an incredible occasion this is for our faith to blossom as it never has!
Sadly, many lost souls have not heard the commandments of the Grand Overspirit. I hope I can rectify this to some degree with a crash course in the teachings of the Spirit.
-The Grand Overspirit reigns in glory, and is unequaled. However, at the Spirit's right hand are the chosen few. I, of course, am among them. Standing with me are the world's elite. I stand among the CEO's, the hedge fund managers, and the political elite. These people are blessed with incredible wealth and business prowess through the touch of the Overspirit. And thus, they are granted special privileges.
-Once a person is among the Spirit's chosen, they can never be allowed to lapse into poverty or bankruptcy. It is the job of the state to "bail out" the afflicted chosen, and to invest in their continued prosperity. Failure to do so represents an unconstitutional breach of religious liberty.
-For those who are not chosen, a life of diligent labor is required. Abiding by the Spirit's teachings will guarantee the non-chosen a place in the Holy Labor Camps, where they will produce inexpensive goods for the chosen. Failure to abide by the teachings assures damnation and eternal torment. The following acts are forbidden:
-Taking breaks, relieving oneself while on the clock, and any other activity that involves the cessation of labor.
-Unionizing, or speaking of labor unions in a positive light is grounds for immediate damnation.
-The Great Overspirit's infinite generosity permits a wage of $1 per hour for all American non-chosen laborers. No more. Less, however, is always a possibility.
-Healthcare is only permitted for the chosen. The non-chosen may use an assortment of leaches or medical bleeding devices to balance their humours. However, no hospitals, clinics, or medical practitioners are allowed to squander resources on the non-chosen.
-Along with protection against financial hardship, the government has several more obligations that it must meet if it does not wish to illegally violate our religious doctrine.
-Raising taxes on the non-chosen is permitted. Raising taxes or closing loopholes in ways that negatively affect the income of the chosen are mortal sins.
-All elected delegates must represent the best interests of the Church of the Great Overspirit and the chosen. Failure to vote in our interests is a violation of the 1st Amendment.
-The Great Overspirit wishes for all American law to be penned by chosen men who are active within the Church. All outsiders and non-chosen cannot be trusted to write legislation, nor do they have the supernatural knowledge needed to vote the correct bills into law. Any election that does not result in the election of a Church member is an illegal violation of our religious rights.
CEO's, executives, men or means! Please turn from your lives wrought with error and embrace the Church of the Great Overspirit. When the Supreme Court empowers us to a place of unquestioned authority, you can be at the forefront of our Church's proud movement. Official church membership cards are required. They can be obtained by making a tithe of $50,000 to the Prophet.
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