Prayer Pays Prodigiously in Philly

Bizarro Philadelphia, PA (BP)- In the wake of massive cuts to the budget, staff, and facilities, you might be expecting an uphill battle for Philadelphia schools as they kick off a new academic year. But there's a plan in place, and its effects have been miraculous.

"I'm reading all the time about this prayer being taken out of schools and how it was ruining everything," said Philadelphia algebra teacher Patricia Harmire. "I didn't know if I believed it. But who can argue with these results?"

As the September deadline loomed large on school administrator calendars, Philly's educational system leaders were face with an insurmountable problem. Class sizes would balloon to unsustainable levels with the closure of entire campuses. Materials, textbooks, and desks were in short supply. The supply they did have was outdated or tattered. What was a school district to do in these dire circumstances? Philadelphia High School (home of the Fighting Cheesesteaks) principal Cedric Braugher has a Hail Mary play that was just crazy enough to work.

"Hey, let's put prayer back in schools. See how that changes things," Braugher suggested.

For lack of any better idea, the plan was drawn up. Every Philadelphia school except one introduced a policy of mandatory protestant prayer. All Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, and non-believing students were sent to the Philadelphia Education Institute for Severe Behavioral Disorders.

"We needed a final solution to this problem," Braugher explained. "And I think we found it."

Indeed, the first day of school with mandatory prayer exceeded the expectations of a cynical public by a wide margin. No fights or any altercations were reported despite the crowding. This was perhaps due to the excess of desks that had been unaccounted for previously.

"These were good desks too. I don't know how we got them, but we sure needed them," said Spanish teacher Maria Gonzalez.

Also in surplus were new textbooks, art supplies, and enough computers to offer typing and introductory programming courses. The remains of the Philadelphia public school system are not only poised to succeed, they're poised to surpass the standards set by the Department of Education. Nobody knows exactly why, but every pressing issue was resolved immediately by the introduction of school prayer. That is, with one exception.

"It's a nightmare," mumbles Harvey Goldstein, a literature teacher at the Institute for Severe Behavioral Disorders.

Just before non-protestant students were due to begin classes, a massive budget cut was thrust upon the facility. Bathrooms are skating rinks of bodily fluids. The air conditioning system blows out air that can reach temperatures of up to 134-degrees Fahrenheit. Books have been replaced with print-outs of Wikipedia articles, and there are no recreational activities beyond The Student Government Association--which is assigned to pick up the dirty needles and used condoms from the grounds of the Institute every other day.

"I found a severed head in the playground sandbox," said sophomore Clarence Hammond. "I called the police, and they told me to put it back because they put it there for a reason. What the hell is going on anymore?"

Despite the Negative Nancy party over at the Insitute ("Wahhhh, my classroom has padded walls and smells like pee!"), prayer has truly turned the Philadelphia school system into an example that the whole nation would do well to follow.

"We may be separated, but we're equal," said Superintendent Katrina Polk. "Everyone will reap the benefits of this revolutionary new strategy."

Detroit and New York school systems are observing the progress of Philadelphia schools as they consider implementing the same policy in their troubled educational systems.