Bizarro Chicago, IL (BP)- Johnny Marston, editor of the popular publication Chicago Crimeshots, has been found dead in his Oak Park home of an apparent "mass homicide."
Chicago Crimeshots is a weekly publication that includes every mugshot taken by police during the previous week, along with wacky captions and puzzles. Since the shots become property of the public the instant they're taken, overhead was low and new content took very little effort to produce.
"It's an excellent model," said Marston in a 2012 interview. "It's cheap to produce, the demand is incredible, and I get to help expose dangerous scumbags in Chicago. If Americans had half the gumption that I've got, we wouldn't need all food stamps and welfare. The feral thugs in our streets would have no excuse not to join civilization!"
Critics called Crimeshots a "travesty of justice", pointing out that none of the photographed suspects had actually been convicted of a crime in a court of law. Marston's business was also investigated by journalists from Rolling Stone magazine, where it was discovered that Marston kept permanent online archives of Chicago mugshots available to the public. For a large fee, a mugshot could be removed. Content was never deleted for any other reason, even if the person was acquitted. If a friend, romantic partner, or employer searched the archives by name they could potentially find a mugshot of someone they knew, even if that person's charges had been dropped.
After Marston failed to make his usual visit to the publishing house, his associates attempted to contact him by phone.
"When it went to voicemail three times in a day, I knew something was up. Johnny's a professional, he takes pride in his product," said Start the Presses general manager Robin Stalvern. "He just doesn't ignore calls, especially not from his publisher when he's missing a deadline."
When Chicago Police arrived at the Marston residence, there were obvious signs of criminal activity.
"He had big privacy fences installed, so you couldn't see it from the street, but just inside was pure chaos," said responding officer Demarcus Foreman. "The way the door was ripped off its hinges, it was either Superman or a dozen men with more adrenaline than blood."
What was left of Johnny Marston was found strewn throughout the house. Medical Examiner Dr. Jordan Casper's best estimate is that the victim was stabbed well over 1,000,000 times by about 200 varieties of knives.
"Imagine making a six-foot-one, two-hundred-and-ten pound man out of Legos. Then imagine what it would look like if you took each and every Lego apart. That's what we're dealing with," said Dr. Casper.
Police have not identified any suspects, but they believe there may be a large number of individuals involved in this single homicide.
"As far as we can tell, the deceased had no enemies," said Detective William Horton. "I mean, besides everyone arrested for any reason in the Chicago metropolitan area within the last couple of years. I guess they'd be pretty pissed."
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