Bizarro Georgetown, SC (BP)- South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley climbed aboard her private jet, which she is highly reluctant to use, and made an appearance in the historic district of Georgetown to acknowledge the existence of fire victims.
"Georgetown is open for business," Governor Haley announced in front of the smoldering wreckage of people's homes and livelihoods.
Georgetown is home to a thriving industrial district and waterways that are chunky and robustly fortified with heavy metals. The town's iconic water tower stands proudly, coated with All-American grime of unchecked industrial excess. None of these proud symbols have been affected by Wednesday morning's massive fire. However, it did eliminate 10 businesses and about 130 jobs (which, let's be honest, probably sucked anyway).
"She lost her business," Governor Haley said, gesturing vaguely at the assembled crowd. "She lost her home above it. She's also committed to the fact that we're going to build it back up again."
Gov. Haley apparently misspoke when she said "we." Since the fire is not a natural disaster, there will be no FEMA assistance. There is nothing mandating that any level of government is required to provide any financial assistance whatsoever.
"The funding is going to be more private," Haley explained.
Money can be donated to the Front Street Fire Relief fund at any First Citizens Bank, where it will be trapped in bureaucratic limbo for all time.You will never hear about any of this again.
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