Bizarro London (BP)- Complaints of stomach discomfort and prolonged cringing spells are endemic in London today, after world-famous author JK Rowling announced that she had written a truly diabolical book under an alias.
The announcement was made by the author via Skype on Good Morning Bizarro America.
“Some time ago I published what I consider to be my greatest work, The Pigeon’s Cooing. Not only did I use a pseudonym, I refrained from exposing myself to any critical or reader reactions in order to relive that moment when I was told by perfect strangers that my doubts were all wrong; that I had real talent. Right after this interview, I’m going to go online and take every word to heart.”
For a full three minutes the hosts did not respond. Their straining grins and glassy stares painted a picture of an internal horror so profound that only Lovecraft knew the ancient and forbidden languages needed to describe it.
The Pigeon’s Cooing tells a story about a grizzled private detective named Commodore Smash and his half-developed conjoined psychic twin brother. Upon receiving an assignment from a mysterious stranger’s carrier pigeon, Detective Smash begins an extremely racist investigation through exotic locations to discover why the anonymous client’s favorite show, “Firefly”, was cancelled before it even got a second season.
Upon its initial release, The Pidgeon’s Cooing received condemnation from across the global community. Besides two Fatwas, reading Pigeon’s Cooing was deemed an “act of war” by several West African nations. Unconfirmed reports from consumers have linked possession of the hardcover print to extremely severe cases of scabies that resist every treatment know to medical science.
Literary critics were not gentle. Nearly all of them objected to the elaborate descriptions of difficult bowel movements, frequent use of blackface, and the casual abuse of the elderly—none of which are essential to the overall narrative. Instead of a review, the Bizarro New York Times posted a video of a chimpanzee urinating into his own mouth.
“It was about the time I reached the part where Detective Smash breastfeeds a starving homeless man that I realized how broken my resolve truly was,” said Bizarro Post Literature Editor Crag McTavish. “And I would strongly advise you to steer clear of the scratch-and-sniff pages.”
Interpol had been diligently seeking Rowling’s false identity, an American Vietnam veteran and retired moonshiner named Crackity Jones. Now the erroneous “BOLO” notices have been updated with Rowling’s information and last known location. Interpol agents advise civilians not to approach Ms. Rowling, as she is known to be proficient in both witchcraft and wizardry.
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