Bizarro Tallahassee, FL (BP)- Animal control officers expressed relief today as an animal hoarder totally believed that they were going to find "good homes" for her 120 cats.
"You don't get into the business unless you love animals, so it's painful to separate any number of animals from their owners," said Animal Control officer Brandon Cronin. "But it definitely helps ease the pain when they're gullible enough to believe the demand for malnourished, surly cats is through the roof."
Teams of hoarding specialists donned protective gear and entered the residence of Samantha Willard, 58, following complaints about aggressive cats attacking children and digging through trash for food. The interior of Willard's home contained hazardous levels of ammonia, two inches of fecal matter in every room, and what appears to be the mummified body of a vagrant hidden beneath a pile of Cat Fancy magazines and QVC shipping boxes.
Each cat was tested for various diseases that are known to spread in a hoarding scenario. Positive readings for fecal bloodworms were obtained for forty animals, Fifty felines tested positive for toxicstrepaplasmosis, a disease so deadly that it is known to kill its host, resurrect it, and kill it again.
"Some of them even tested positive for AIDS. Like, not even feline AIDS. I don't even know how that happened," said veterinary technician Dr. Andy Ross.
Willard was reported to be "hysterical" as her many pets were removed one by one from her house, insisting that she needed the presence of well over 100 cats for reasons she couldn't understand (her parents didn't love her, she is socially isolated, has terrible self-esteem, and needs the approval of living things that are smart enough to feel affection but too dumb to challenge her to take control of her life. Fucking-DUH.).
However, after some time to consider the incredible burden of her lifestyle, Willard gradually became more receptive to the idea of releasing her cats into the custody of animal control.
"That's when I pulled the trigger on 'the finisher'. It's always risky, because if they know you're lying your credibility is damaged big-time." explained officer Cronin.
"The finisher" is asserting that the seized animals will be nursed back to health and adopted out to good homes. If it works, the hoarder doesn't have to consider the ramifications of their irresponsible actions and will be more likely to cooperate. Fortunately, Samantha Willard was one of these rubes. The cats were removed from the property with the owner's permission. No charges are expected to be filed because, come on, isn't her life bad enough anyway?
As for the countless cranky cats, Cronin explained the process for dealing with large hoarding situations.
"We've got a big trunk-style freezer with the electrical parts removed and a hole where the AC cord fed in. Basically, we throw the cats in there, feed a hose from my truck's tailpipe to the hole in the freezer, and give it about three or four minutes a load. My boss called it 'Meow-schwitz' once. Uh--let's keep that off the record, though."
Dogs from hoarding cases are not euthanized because dogs are adorable and affectionate, while cats are usually just kind of dicks.
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