Bizarro Post Medical Science Bureau- Dr.Robert Kline, a leading research scientist with the Engelhardt Cancer Institute, has released his long-awaited report on the most common catalysts for all forms of cancer.
The results are not good.
"Everything," said Dr.Kline, cradling his face in his hands. "Just everything. Everywhere. All the time. There's nothing you can do."
The list is extensive and includes many known carcinogen's, but there are many shocking revelations hidden within the report. New cancer causes include:
-Butt dialing.
-Living within 100 yards of a power pole.
-An apple a day.
-Wearing white after labor day.
-Allowing Farmville to post content to your friend's Facebook newsfeed.
-Leaving dirty dishes in the office kitchen. We're not your maids, Steve.
-Eating brussel sprouts to grow up big and strong.
-Double mastectomies.
-Being the guy that throws rocks at sleeping zoo animals because they're boring you.
-Writing a blog that nobody reads.
"Doomed," muttered Dr.Kline. "Doomed. Doomed."
Dr.Kline offered no further answers to our questions, though we will continue to inquire. It should also be noted that catatonic episodes provoked by major depression are responsible for some really nasty cancers. Just saying, Doctor. We'll be in touch.
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