Bizarro TV Guide: Friday Night Primetime

Bizarro TV Guide-Friday Primetime (All Times Eastern)

NBC
8:00  The Michael J. Fox Show (TV-14): Will Michael run out of jokes about uncontrollable muscle spasms that we have his permission to laugh at?

8:30   My Big Gay Dad (TV-14): In this series that empowers homosexual single parents by portraying them as catty, self-absorbed one-man minstrel shows.....Actually, that's really about it. We've got a guy that acts like John Hodgeman if you're into that.

9:00  Dateline NBC (TV-M): Come join us on a snide look at some gore-soaked murder case. Indulge in the personal agonies of others as their lives are torn apart to create a narrative arc for your pleasure.

CBS

8:00  Undercover Boss (TV-14): Wealthy CEO's from multinational conglomerates mingle with the peons that they use as cheap labor without really thinking about it. Employees that massage his ego enough will receive an expensive gift, which they must grovel and weep to receive. CEO's have feelings and sympathy just like us when faced with the consequences of neo-liberal capitalism. Temporarily.

9:00  Hawaii Five-0: (TV-14): Police procedural featuring the only some of the best and only Asian-American actors on television. In a supporting role, of course.

10:00 Blue Bloods (TV-14): Sexy police officers hit on each other while dispensing justice to muscular minorities and then cradling injured minority children in their arms to show they're not racist.

ABC

8:00  Last Man Standing (TV-PG): Tim Allen's love letter to insecure displays of hyper-masculinity and a desperate grasp at social relevance in a post-90's world. Johnathan Taylor Thomas shows up too, if you want to see how he ended up (he's pretty average, I guess).

8:31  The Neighbors (TV-PG): What if you were in a sitcom with wacky neighbors? What if those neighbors were....aalliieeennsss? Oh, you don't give a shit what the answer is? What a coincidence. Neither do I. We should be friends.

9:00   Shark Tank (TV-PG): A group of wealthy assholes smirk as desperate entrepreneurs are paraded before them to be verbally abused. Sometimes they choose to invest some of their* money in a person's shameful grasp at dream fulfillment.

*The money ABC allocates to the show's prize budget.

10:00  20/20 (TV-PG) Oh hey, a report on women's education in Taliban-controlled Pakistan. That's actually a pretty enriching topic. I'll DVR it for later*. Time for some Grand Theft Auto V and beer.

*We both know it's not going to get watched.