"Planes" Slayin' with Automobiles

Bizarro Movie House- Set after the events in "Maximum Overdrive", a short story and movie from the imagination of Stephen King, "Cars" was an ambitious glimpse into an Earth dominated by sentient vehicles. With the corpses of their human creators left to rot in massive pits, the motorized master race soon evolved eyes, mouths, and various prehensile digits that can be used to refuel themselves without the use of fleshy slaves.

Disney seeks to add an entirely new dimension to the popular franchise with "Planes". As the name implies, the principle characters are aircraft possessed with various ethnic stereotype demons that embark on a big racist adventure of self-discovery.

Universally hated has-been Dane Cook lends his voice to Dusty Crophopper, a crop duster who wants to be a combat plane. Seeing potential in the scrappy bi-plane, combat drone Willy Pete agrees to take him under his wing [Editor's note: Goddamnit.].

While the premise might sound trite, "Planes" takes an edgy narrative direction when surveillance plane El Burrito Nacho takes a break from his daily routine of sexual harassment to investigate a possible human refuge concealed in a Pakistani bunker. The race is on to see who can cleanse the infestation with fiery murder and secure the future of bloodthirsty living vehicles across the world.

"Planes" hits a couple of comedy snags, with a heinous fart joke worked into the crop duster's lethal gas deployment training. Fortunately, the comedy is just garnish for this feast of gripping drama. Dusty is taunted by modern jets like Drunky McIrishson and the sultry Slutra Objectiva (the only female character in the cast) as he attempts to lift a bunker buster with his inadequate engine. Much to their surprise, Dusty uses their bullying to teach himself a valuable lesson about not being a pussy, and goes on to eliminate the final vestiges of humanity.

Did I just spoil the movie? Not quite. All of this takes place in the first ten minutes. The remaining one hour and thirty minutes are devoted to enriching the imaginative world of "Cars" and "Planes" by introducing us to their dark and lurid reproduction rituals--and by revealing that all Pixar movies take place in the same world through the graphic massacre of other beloved Pixar characters in feats of motor-driven carnage. "Wall-E" isn't cannon, by the way.

I insist that your family buy a ticket to ride on Air Force Fun [Editor's note: You horrible bastard] with "Planes". And don't forget to take your connecting flight to Wal-Mart for exclusive "Planes" action figures, bedroom sets, underwear, t-shirts, baseball hats, kickballs, helium balloons, gift wrap, toothbrushes, mouthwash, children's vitamins, eating utensils, cups, posters, wallpaper, birthday cakes, squirrel rifles, bleach, laxatives, suppositories, and child coffins.