Local Man Sort of Plans to Clean Bathroom

Bizarro Brentwood, TN (BP)- Brentwood resident Jim Cramer, 25, has announced plans to clean his apartment's bathroom this Sunday, but the confidence in his leadership is lower than ever.

Cramer moved into his first apartment in July of 2011, having just landed a job that could barely cover the rent and utilities. Since then, months of half-hearted grooming and daily use have left the entire hardwood floor of the small washroom blanketed with a fine layer of shed pubic hair and infectious spray from hundreds of toilet flushes. What's more, the water has left a red residue wherever it has been allowed to pool, the faucet is covered in toothpaste resin, and a neglected shaving cream canister has branded his fiberglass tub with a resilient ring of rust.

"Don't think I'm blind to all of this," explains Cramer to his empty apartment. "I know when it's time to draw the line. So this Saturday I'm going to relax and enjoy myself, and Sunday I'm going to slap on the big-boy-pants and get to work."

Residents of Jim's psyche have a different prediction for the week's end.

"You want to know what's going to happen?" asked Jim's carefully suppressed sense of self-awareness. "Saturday he's going to go out alone, not make any friends, and he sure as hell isn't bringing anyone home from the bar. Then on Sunday he'll tell himself that he's going to die alone, so what the hell is the point of having a clean bathroom when nobody but him is ever going to see it?"

This will be the tenth consecutive Sunday that Jim Cramer has pledged to clean up his home and car.