Bizarro Business Bureau-In a star-spangled spectacle, Wal-Mart chief executive Bill Simon announced that their massive retail chain would strive to include American-made products in a push to revive the nation's flagging economy.
"America needs more good, middle-class jobs to live happily and raise healthy families!" Simon says. "Too bad about that, really. Sucks to be you!"
Starting in 2014, Wal-Mart plans to take many of their sweatshop operations and relocate them throughout the American south, where governors are more likely to be receptive to Wal-Mart's neo-liberal economic model.
When asked about what will happen to the Vietnamese orphans and Chinese indentured laborers that would lose their jobs, Simon shrugged. "There's always the prostitution industry."
Interested in these exciting new jobs coming your way? Here's what you need to know:
-Ages 5-80 are eligible for employment.
-Starting pay is not having your legs broken by private security. After a 90-day probationary period, pay is increased to $0.04 an hour. Pending a positive annual evaluation, pay can be increased yearly as much as .000006%.
-Positions are 90 hours a week. Overtime pay is not provided. Breaks are provided when worker collapses, and continue until beatings awaken the employee. A five minute break is scheduled every day at noon for distribution and consumption of semi-edible nutrient bricks and whatever water is collected in rain barrels.
-Communal dormitories are provided by your generous benefactors. Leaving is not permitted. Guard towers monitor all ingress and egress for unauthorized departures. Violators will be shot and rendered into True Value dog food.
-Guaranteed promotions, in that death is favorable to remaining employed at a Wal-Mart manufacturing facility.
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