Bizarro Post Shady Ad Sales Bureau- Hello, Bizarro Post family. If you're anything like me, you're rich beyond all reason. So you probably aren't. But you can get one hell of a lot closer by doing one thing: Diversify your investment portfolio with gold!
But Bizarro Post editor, I don't have any investments whatsoever! "Diversifying your assets" sounds like something bad guys on TV shows say! True enough, but those bad guys are probably as rich as hell. If celebrity court cases and white collar crime have taught me anything, it's that being rich means never being responsible for the negative consequences of your criminal actions. You too can wield this mighty power with gold!
The meager collection of American currency you've managed to acquire through wage slavery is comprised of a thing called "fiat currency." Fiat currency is a monetary system that retains its value just because people believe it has value. There are no stable physical commodities backing up this money. Sounds insane, right? But it wasn't always this way!
There was a glorious time when America's monetary supply was backed by beautiful, glorious precious metal. It was a time where affordable labor could be bought for next to nothing at auctions. It was a time when only astute, land-owning gentlemen were allowed to vote in elections. A time devoid of illegal immigrants and petty political bickering! Believe it or not, your investment in gold is one small step back towards this utopia. So what are you waiting for? An invitation from the socialist in the White House!?
When fiat currency collapses due to massive inflation and society is in shambled, you're going to be glad you chose to hoard a big ol' chunk of glimmering gold in your crawlspace or bunker! Remember, fiat currency is only as valuable because people believe it is valuable. Shiny rocks are actually valuable because....I mean, come on, they're so goddamn shiny! No matter what bloodthirsty conclave you join after the upcoming nuclear Holocaust, your gold can be exchanged for goods and services absolutely anywhere. It's the universal symbol of value! Highwaymen and bandits have a long history of respect for men who carry gold on their person, because you've rejected the New World Order's system just like they have. Only you'll be going to Heaven with Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson, and they'll be going to Hell with Communists like Ceasar Chavez and Mr. Rogers.
Don't take my word for it! Some of America's most beloved icons know that gold is where it's at:
-The Mario Brothers
-Blackbeard
-Goldfinger
-The Esteemed Lord Doctor Ron Paul
-Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps (Before the devil's grass claimed him)
-Scrooge McDuck
-Yukon Cornelius
-Professional Wrestler Dustin Rhodes
-George Castanza
-Mr. T
And think of all the practical applications that gold will have in a post-civility world!
-Forging chains, which hang low
-Paying tribute to Baal
-Building a Muisca city that is legendary among invading Conquistadors
-Making excellent headphone jacks
And that's just getting started! You'll be the talk of the wastelands when you wow the natives with your investment prowess, and then you're free to violently oppress them just like you always fantasized when you were bored at work!
If you're looking for a solid, stable foundation in this violently shifting modern world, an investment in gold is as good as.....gold.
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