Bizarro Post Political Bureau- Security officials are leveling stern accusations at the Vatican today after an apparent sleeper agent charged the microphone just after the House passed the bill that would reopen the government.
"You go against God! You cannot serve two masters! Praise be to God, the Lord Jesus Christ. Praise forever!" House stenographer Dianne Reidy shrieked into the microphone, flinging holy water from her fingertips. "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!"
Representatives were seen hissing and recoiling as if in terrible agony when the droplets of anointed agua struck their bare flesh. Representative Fred Upton (R-Mich.) attempted to projectile vomit on the woman as she cried out her invocations.
"You shall not defy the New Flesh!" growled Speaker John Boehner. "All hail the Lord of Worms!"
Order was restored as Reidy was lead away from the podium and detained while America and the Vatican worked out the awkward diplomatic dynamics of returning their operative.
"We have done what we can do," muttered a resigned Pope Francis. "I wish that we had succeeded. But it seems the time of The Beast's reign is too close to avert."
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