Ted Cruz Dapper in Diapers
Unconfirmed reports by staffers suggest that Senator Ted Cruz found urinating into a diaper while live on CSPAN to be an "exhilarating and liberating" experience that he longs to relive.
"We have Depends ready for the next debt ceiling fight early next year," said an anonymous intern. "We're also exploring the possibility of introducing bowel movements to the equation, but that one's still waiting for an exploratory committee."
Heritage Foundation Whiplash
On Tuesday, it appeared as though the House and Senate were prepared to move on a Senate-drafted bipartisan resolution to end the shutdown for a period of several months. However, Republican cooperation collapsed when powerful executives from the Heritage Foundation lobbying group appeared, clad in leather vests and assless chaps.
"You swore to me that you were hetero-political, but now I catch you in a bipartisan affair like a dirty whore!" said Foundation head Master Scolex Wax-Drip. "You're going to be punished for this, you nasty little thing!"
House Speaker John Boehner crawled on his hands and knees towards the delegation, preparing a ball gag with trembling hands.
"I've been so naughty, master. I have to be punished so hard!" he wept.
Prominent Republicans joined him in leaving with the Heritage Foundation officials, many rubbing their nipples vigorously. With the Republican support eliminated, Americans were left to watch and wait once more.
Boehner: Obama Derailed Bipartisan Effort That Just Succeeded
A weary House Speaker retired to The Tanning Dome Wednesday afternoon after reaching a compromise that could open the government as early as tomorrow.
"The House has fought with everything it has to convince the president of the United States to engage in bipartisan negotiations," Boehner said in a statement. "But we have chosen not to block the Senate's agreement in the interest of the American economy. I mean, the president was blocking everything, but we chose not to be the president and block the bipartisan efforts that we didn't block when we did because we're the president, and the president blocks all of our efforts....okay, we won. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't want to get into the details, but we kicked everyone's ass today. Go team."
McCain's Grumpiness Index Reaches New High
Veteran Senator John McCain reached a new level of old-man cantankerousness today after a week of bitter disputes between the Republican's old guard and the fundamentalist Tea Party faction.
"I was out of line calling my colleagues 'wacko birds' like I did. I apologized," said McCain after being asked about the GOP's internal strife. "If you want to know what the Tea Party was after, you should interview them, not me. I'm sure you'll get plenty of material due to their inability to shut the fuck up and not torpedo our party's reputation with their goosestepping bullshit to any camera willing to fix its glassy stare on them. But seriously, we're going to reunite as a party after this."
Senatory McCain departed to consult with a friend named Johnny Walker.
Americans Become Slightly Less Uneducated About Legislative Branch
Following two weeks of conflict between the House of Representatives and the Senate, Americans have gone from "completely goddamn clueless" to "vaguely aware of checks and balances."
"Any improvement is good, but this is far from enough," said Dr. Harvey Philmonte, a professor of political science at Phoenix Internet University's Maury Povich Campus.
While more citizens know that both houses of Congress have differences in roles, representation, and powers there is still a number of pervasive misunderstandings such as:
-President Obama has a series of levers and buttons on his desk that adjust things like gas prices and tax rates on a whim.
-The American legislative branch operates in a similar fashion to the Galactic Senate in the Star Wars prequels. The truth is, even George Lucas doesn't know what the hell is going on with that bullshit.
-If "the economy" gets better, they will find it easier to make a living wage and one day retire. They also believe that The Economy is a being that lives inside of Yellowstone Caldera, and sacrifices of illegal immigrants to its gaping maw is the only way to please it.
Paul Ryan Shut Down on Shutdown
Representative Paul Ryan, a former vice presidential candidate, has been given the cold shoulder after suggesting concessions in exchange for the debt ceiling adjustment. His recommendations, including tax-code revamps and Social Security cuts, were casually dismissed by Republican leadership.
Ryan has since been seen in his office doing frantic deadlifts with a burlap sack over his head. His Megadeth albums can be heard several rooms away.
Operation Walking Dead: Resurrecting Reputations
With the Republican Party, Tea Party members in particular, facing plummeting approval ratings in the wake of the shutdown debacle, Republican strategists have devised a bold plan to nurse the ailing party back to health.
"Zombies, that's the answer," said senior conservative strategist Karl Rove.
Republican politicians and spokespeople are encouraged to dress up in full zombie garb each time they appear in public, even though the process can take as long as three hours per sessions. Rotting flesh, maimed extremities, and tattered suits are the GOP's dress code if they have any hope of keeping the House, according to Rove.
"'The Walking Dead' is objectively garbage," Rove explained. "The writing is shit, the special effects budget is blown on zombie effects you see for five seconds at a time, the acting is garbage, and the plot is contrived. There's no reason this show should be as successful as it is, had it not been for the zombies. That same principle will lead us to victory in future elections."
Rove's assessment, though cynical, might have some truth to it. Media studies and sales figures have revealed time and time again that Americans are willing to tolerate tremendous amounts of bullshit as long as the living dead are involved in some capacity.
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