Editorial: Inquiring Globe Chief Names His Beef

Chris Powers is the Editor in Chief of The Inquiring Globe, the sole surviving newspaper in the town of Centralia, Pennsylvania.
Journalism is all a'bonered over Jeff Bezos acquiring The Washington Post, insisting that his genius and innovative spirit will keep the long-running publication alive through this grim era. I am now coughing while muttering "bullshit."

Amazon might be an unstoppable titan of internet commerce, true. But its entire model of success is dependent on tax evasion, and not the cool kind with the Cayman Islands and hedge funds. With the efforts of my friends in the lobbying business, enough palms will be greased that Bezos no longer gets to ride the gravy train without paying for his ticket. Then his digital news revolution will fail, just like the rest. The truth is, the internet isn't killing print media, and it isn't nearly as powerful as many would have you believe. I assert that there is another party at fault for our noble institution's decline.

It's you, dear reader.

You insist that news isn't worth anything unless you can switch to quasi-legal Brazilian pornography whenever you get bored halfway through an article. Nothing is worth knowing unless it can be condensed into a lolcatz image. Reddit claims to be the front page of the internet, but it has sadly become the first and last page of an entire new generation of pony-cartoon-watching manchildren. A generation whose outage at political corruption and violent crime is tempered by unlimited access to disturbing Japanese fetish comics.

And you assholes that raised this "millennial" generation aren't blameless either. You've chosen to raise your stunted children in single-parent households because of made-up boogeymen like domestic violence and spousal mortality. You've chosen to have children you couldn't afford. You've chosen to wait until you're in your late 30's to replenish our nation's population because you "couldn't afford" to have a child earlier, so you're putting the fetus at an increased risk for autism and other disorders (how irresponsible can you get!?).

Am I the only one noticing that people are getting dumber? I see all these reality shows, and I read all these positive reviews of movies I don't like, and it seems abundantly clear that I am an oasis of knowledge in a desert of fools. Why aren't you idiots voting, by the way? 65% of you aren't voting in state elections! Get off your asses, you simpletons, and choose our elected officials as a citizen should!

Enlightened society is crumbling. Civic engagement is receding with the release of another vapid pop song every other day.

You sons of bitches who "work too much" to join your local Rotary Club or Freemasons chapters are scum, and don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You welfare queen whores who decide to reject the firm leadership of a male head of household don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You illiterate morons who never learned to read because of terrible public education systems or Down's Syndrome can burn in Hell, because you don't deserve The Inquiring Globe. You probably couldn't even afford a subscription for my love letter to old-school journalism, you desperately poor fucks.

You don't want to buy my paper? Fuck you. You don't deserve my paper. Nobody deserves this sexy, savvy editor's masterwork. Enjoy your Soduku and Yoga and Twerking. I'll just be here in my ivory tower like the golden god of journalism that I am. Feel free to join me if you ever learn to wipe your own ass without a Wikihow article.