Bizarro Post Political Bureau- A study has revealed that 51% of Americans self-identify as "centrists", or people that claim not to have any political inclinations either way. In a subsequent study produced by The Bizarro Post, 98%* or that 51% are either self-important douches or irredeemably ignorant and gullible tools (*Margin of error +/-2).
"Unlike most people, I'm really just above the whole political spectrum thing," said pretentious asshole Harold McKenzie. "Let the sheep bleat amongst themselves. I've transcended their nonsense and have a greater understanding than they ever will."
Cursory examinations of McKenzie's Facebook history included a post that read as follows: "I'm a strong supporter of ending Stop-and-Frisk laws in New York. However, I think it's great if the TSA decides to racially profile. Not just searches, I'm talking full cavity. Don't bother saying that I'm contradicting myself. Your misunderstanding bores me."
Jesus Christ, why hasn't this man been quartered by an angry mob? No, that's not a quote from someone reacting to this dude. This is the editor writing this article. What filthy degenerate made this Frankenstein's monster, what cursed graveyard produced the parts of this terrible whole, and what penalty is harsh enough to punish this atrocity? I don't know. I'm asking you.
"I don't have an opinion one way or another," said noted mouthbreather Janet Kline. "I just want the Washington government to work together to make things work for less of the money that it would cost if they spent more of the money."
Based on a meticulous dissection of Kline's endless prattle, we've determined that she wants taxes to be lowered, government spending to be eliminated on all programs that do not directly affect her life, and that all of the programs she relies on cannot be sustained by the tax code as it currently exists. She says that government should be "run like a business" while at the same time demanding that the government remove as many revenue streams as possible while maintaining vital spending. I don't know what kind of businesses they run in Dumbassville, USA, but I sure as shit don't know of any that function like that.
You know what? Screw objectivity. You're not fooling anyone "centrists". You know good and goddamn well that you have convictions about the things that have some bearing on the well-being of yourself and your family. There are certain people out there who couldn't give a shit. Maybe they want to actively make your life horrible to make their lives even better. You haven't been wronged yet, but who's going to go to bat for you when plainclothes police serve a no-knock warrant in the middle of the night and shoot your dog?
Only an idiot would mistake apathy for wisdom. And with over half of the population claiming to be just like you, you're not even a minority. Read a goddamn book, learn to verify sources and claims, and become your own journalist. I'm writing this article because various oil companies paid me to. You can't trust any claim that I make, because I have a vested interest in deceiving you. Do some goddamn footwork. Isn't your dignity worth it, if nothing else?
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