Monday, September 30, 2013

Wal-Shabob Terrorizes Part-Timers

Bizarro Terror Bureau- Paramilitary group Wal-Shabob has released a disturbing new video claiming to show a hostage paycheck laying before heavily armed, masked partisans. The group has threatened to dismember the check, belonging to 83-year-old door greeter Marilyn Wilson, if their demands are not met.

One of the insurgents spoke to the camera, gesturing angrily with his finger in the air. "We demand the end to subsidized healthcare. It must be entirely privatized! We demand that the Trans-Pacific Trade Agreement be enacted! We demand the ability to sell products from any sweatshop we desire, and the freedom to treat our employees with the respect they deserve by making Right to Work a federal law. Americans deserve the right to work with no protection, and they deserve the right to be fired for any reason with no notice. Agree to this, or the check will face the consequences."

A tearful Marilyn Wilson met us in Smoking Area #12 at her Wal-Mart Supercenter facility. Her story was a tale of triumph and tragedy, starting with her happy marriage and pleasant professional life that came to an abrupt end when her husband was thrust into a cancer battle at the age of 61.

"Hubert begged me again and again to stop the treatment, to save some money for myself after he was gone. But I never wanted to stop fighting. I don't think he did either, though he always felt ashamed every time another bill arrived," Wilson recalled.

Their journey together ended with Hubert Wilson passing away in the hospital a week before his 62nd birthday. His battle had ended, but Marilyn's was just beginning. At 63, she was forced out of retirement. With the job market in shambles, Marilyn reluctantly submitted an application at her local Wal-Mart. She was hired as a greeter within a week.

Being employed wasn't the end to her troubles, however. Wal-Mart offered her 25 hours a week at $0.03 over minimum wage. There were no benefits, and certainly no health insurance. Wal-Mart employees are often quietly directed to apply for government welfare programs to obtain the basic needs that the company doesn't provide for reasons.

"I've been told that paying our employees what they're paid in other first-world countries would reduce my salary from $100,000 to $63,000 annually," explained location manager Daniel Keene. "How is my family supposed to get by without a six-figure income?"

The widow Wilson's difficult life grew all the more complicated when her paycheck was abducted and taken hostage by Wal-Shabob, a group of loyal mercenaries culled from prison populations, Department of Defense contractors, and several biker clubs affiliated with organized crime. The tentacles of this troubling group run so deeply into the inner workings of America's power structure, you'd think that someone from Japan was in charge.

"We do not negotiate with terrorists, first of all," said President Obama in a recent press briefing. "Secondly, I planned to agree to the Trans-Pacific Trade Agreement anyway. Some of the best food I've ever had has come from Vietnamese and Cambodian restaurants. Why not let them sell their fresh-ish delicacies in our stores? It brings down prices, and helps our nation eat healthier. I'll have you know, the fingers of Vietnamese children are very high in protein and taste just like pork."

Contrary to claims made by corporate and quasi-legal militias, the Obama Administration has done quite a lot to pursue the interests of large corporations and their owners. Income disparities are the highest they've ever been in history, many companies are reporting record profits, and the Citizens United ruling has allowed tremendous amounts of money to be transferred anonymously from the wealthy to various political causes. This is not considered money laundering for reasons. The only major point of contention between the president and groups like Wal-Shabob is the Affordable Care Act, which will begin accepting applications for subsidized coverage on October 1st.

"The medical industry is a business," explained conservative talk show host Andrew Wilkow. "If you can't afford a flat-screen TV, you don't get a flat-screen TV. If Tiny Tim can't afford leukemia treatment, he doesn't get leukemia treatment. What part of this is so hard to understand?"

ACA, or Obamacare, mandates that businesses with more than 50 employees on their payroll provide insurance options for their full-time employees, regardless of any pre-existing conditions they might have. Companies have responded by hiring powerful lobbyists, financing campaigns for candidates that oppose the law, and hiring private militias to carry out covert actions that undermine the public's confidence.

Pro-union pundit Ed Schultz was exasperated at the corporate response. "These people wringing their hands over not being able to afford to continue operating with Obamacare in place, they're the ones with the CEO's that give themselves millions in bonuses every year. They're the ones that hide their money off shore and set up hedge funds. They can afford to insure their employees a thousand times over! And now they're holding their well-being hostage to intimidate politicians and voters using fear. That makes them terrorists, my friends. Terrorists."

Wal-Shabob leader Mitch "Price Slasher" Wallace condemned this sentiment and Marilyn Wilson in a YouTube video posted to the group's Twitter feed.

"If wealth is to trickle down, there must be wealth above us," said Mitch. "Socialist whores of Satan like Marilyn Wilson are killing our economy by forcing the nation's job creators to move to markets where there are no regulations, and the value of a human life is a laughable concept. Unless America can dig in its heels and work like the sweatshops of southeast Asia, they will never know peace from our rage."

The future of Marilyn Wilson's tiny paycheck remains uncertain. And as the government prepares to shut down, she faces the possibility of losing all access to food, water, and medicine.

"Please, just let my paycheck go," Marilyn pleaded. "It's not much, but it's mine. You don't have to do this."

They don't. But to protect the sanctity of their Cayman Island accounts and complete immunity to prosecution, there is no other choice.

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