Bizarro Chicago, IL (BP)- After a mass shooting on a Chicago basketball court that left 13 people seriously injured, top American thinkers have decided to immediately stop caring.
Friends and family members of the victims gathered today to express their sorrow at the violence that threatens their lives every day, and pleaded for an end to the indiscriminate murders committed by organized crime members throughout the poverty-stricken areas of Chicago.
"It needs to stop. It needs to stop," cried Semencha Nunn, the grandmother of a 3-year-old victim.
"Did I miss the presser with...all of the families of those who were shot yesterday?" said newwtricks on Huffington Post, who didn't look particularly hard at the article that was literally on the same page he wrote this on.
Citing statistics with no sources, Americans came to the conclusion that this incident simply isn't worthy of their concern. In fact, everyone injured in this random attempt at multiple murders deserves it for reasons.
"Al and the rest of the community need to come together and focus on what the obvious problem is with the city, drugs, gangs, crime, and lack of sheer humanity in the African American community," wrote Belmontkid on Newsvine.
Several users sympathized with this point of view. Many Americans apparently believe that the entire African American community is sub-human. Why aren't civil rights leaders addressing that belief? Why haven't they ever disputed that? Why haven't I Googled to see if they actually have and I just never bothered to look? The world may never know.
And why do these tragedies happen time and time again? Deep thinkers like Newsvine's PFirefly offers his insight.
"Wow, you get a demo in the White (Black-White-Muslim) house and the shootings escalate. What's the deal with that? Must be depression or something," says PFirefly, who theorizes that a diminishing whiteness in America has lead to a depression or something. Depression or Something Theory is a popular theme of research by intellectuals like Nome Chomsky and Dr. Phil.
And once we've determined the problem, it's time to get cracking on solutions. elayne-675382 on Newsvine devised a strategy.
"When human animals keep getting worse, time for the big boys to step in and take control. No one can cry about this. Stop acting like wild animals and this would not happen. Sorry wild animals, you do not even act like these 'people'," wrote elayne-6752382.
It's clear that Americans want action, and they want it now. They want martial law, they want life-sentences and executions without trial, and they demand that the "big boys" teach the "human animals" a lesson with their nightsticks and bullets in order to fight lawlessness and violence in the street's of Chicago.
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