Bizarro Post Social Justice Bureau- The House of Representatives voted to reallocate $40 billion in food stamp benefits to a new program, the Gun Stamp program.
Voting along party lines, Republicans pushed through the measure. Millions of Americans who cannot afford guns, high capacity magazines, scopes and other necessities will be granted a monthly stipend to help relieve them of their financial burden.
"This bill is designed to give people a hand when they need it most. Most people don't choose to be gunless. Most want to go out and with so many belts of ammo that you can't even see if they're naked. They want enough bullets for themselves, and their spouse, and their families," said Eric Cantor (R-VA).
Republicans chalk this up as a big win, decimating the entitlement program that encourages laziness and thug culture (black friend, not racist), and replacing it with an empowerment program that will flood the slums and projects with life-saving firearms.
"Go out and look for tangos," Representative Tim Huelskamp (R-KN) suggested. "Start weapons training and aim for the center mass. You can no longer sit on your couch all gunless and not shooting and expect the police to defend you!"
Representative Steve Southerland turned to the Bible for inspiration in his passionate argument on behalf of the measure. "What if Jesus had a gun when Satan tempted him? Boom, no more Satan! What if Jesus had a gun when the Jews demanded that he be executed? He could have taken them all out. As far as I'm concerned, THAT would be the greatest story ever told!"
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