Bizarro Media Bureau- Fox News scored a major win in their war against food stamps today, as they stumbled across a big, fat, juicy strawman just before the House of Representatives voted on SNAP benefits.
"What a coincidence this all was!" gasped Megan Kelly. "This is truly the providence of God that we'd find this perfect strawman hanging out at a talent agency known for having desperate clients! AAHHH! Why did you use the shock collar!? I didn't say any--OUCH!"
28-year-old John Hussein "Free Palestine" Smith-McSmitherson is a resident of San Diego who allowed Fox News crew members to shoot footage of him in HD at multiple angles while he used his SNAP benefits to purchase tie-dye T-shirts, bandannas with peace signs on them, big fat blunts, and "Coexist" bumper stickers.
"I love living this way and taking money from hard working Americans. Like Bill Parsons and Anita Fontaine from the Fox News mailing list that I have never seen. Someday I hope to pay for an abortion with my tax money, after I Baptize the fetus in the name of Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez," Smith-McSmitherson said in a carefully constructed closed set featuring luxury items that he definitely owns.
Fox send copies of their package to Capitol Hill offices, mysteriously using novelty stamps that hadn't been sold for months. Representatives took the message to heart as they argued over the SNAP program Thursday.
"You can no longer buy gay porn and copies of The Satanic Bible with SNAP benefits, like John Smith-Smithy-Smith," said Rep. Tim Huelskamp (R-KN). "The SNAP program is plagued with abuse! I know because a DVD-R my secretary gave me said so. DVDs from strangers haven't lied to me yet, and by God I don't expect them to."
Darrel Issa (R-CA) was also outraged. "He obviously is anticipating being very rich later and not paying back the money, the goddamn freeloader. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to continue drafting this measure to reduce capitol gains taxes, ideally to 0%."
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