To Catch a Temple Guard: With Chris Hairson

Bizarro Post Dubiously Legal Investigative Report Bureau- It's been exactly 20 years since the world was introduced to Temple Guards on Nickelodeon's Legends of the Hidden Temple. A recent poll indicates that 94% of Americans believe that after the show's final episode, Temple Guards ceased to be a threat to America's children.

94% of Americans are dumb and wrong, with a 0.0% margin or error.

The Temple Guards are still out there, lurking in the dark while stalking young adventurers. Each year their numbers grow, and so too does the body count. Tonight we take the fight to the Temple Guards in our Bizarro Post Dubiously Legal Special Report:

To Catch a Temple Guard: With Brisk Hairson

To learn more about our prey, we talked to Olmec, an ancient face of stone infused with the power of limitless trivial knowledge.

Hairson: Olmec, you've had three seasons worth of experience with these dangerous predators. What struck you the most about their behavior and tactics?

Olmec: Hmmmmmm....they did not rock. To calm them, they were given injections of horse tranquilizers to keep them stoned. But once the show ended, they were released into the wild, where they became much boulder.

Hairson: Olmec, how would we go about catching the elusive Temple Guards?

Olmec: You can start by visiting the Chatroom of Tween Adventurers! Assemble your profile, and you may descend into the underworld of the hidden Temple Guard. Use your Pendant of Life to subdue him, and then deploy the Handcuffs of Restraint. From there, you must take your Temple Guard to the Cell of Holding. Complete this journey within 2 minutes, and the grand prize is yours!

Hairson: Olmec, two weeks is just a fraction of our total production schedule. It's going to take that long for post-production alone. What is the grand prize, anyway?

Olmec: A Sony boombox, with cassette player and high-speed dubbing. Also, a $500 gift card to KB Toys and Circuit City!

With our newly acquired knowledge, the Bizarro Post team went to work on our quest. While our crack team of unpaid interns played Temple Games for our Token of Life, I paid a visit to the devoted volunteers at Perverted Archaeology. P-ARC director Sandy Stone was eager to begin.

"We've had a lot of experience enticing Temple Guards, but that was just to show the world that they were a real threat to the welfare of children everywhere," Stone explained. "I hope Bizarro Post's contacts in the Orlando Police Department can actually hold these monsters accountable."

And that's just what we planned to do. With the assistance of Perverted Archaeology communications specialist Nigel Crumplebottom, we entered the dangerous digital world of the Teen Tombraider Online chat room. The response was immediate. Posing as "SilverMonkey12", we caught the attention of Temple Guard "GrabnGoBoi".

(PRIVATE CHAT MODE ENGAGED)
SilverMonkey12: hay, how are u?

GrabnGoBoi: not much. just lookin for the wings of icarus. u?

SilverMonkey12: lol you better hurry, i mite beat you to it :-)

GrabnGoBoi: mayb lol! tell me about urself.

SilverMonkey12: im 12, i like to search of ancient treasure, and i live in orlando.

GrabnGoBoi: awesum! i'm in orlando too! we should get the icarus wings togthr!

SilverMonkey12: cool!

GrabnGoBoi: what you wearing?

SilverMonkey12: a yellow helmet, some fingerless gloves, and a mouthpiece. i got a blue barricudas shirt too.

GrabnGoBoi: whoa! i'm a blue barricuda 2! we should totally adventure together

Sicko that he was, this ruthless Temple Guard didn't stop asking until he finally pried the address from our investigator. Little did he know, he was heading right for a poison dart trap of justice. With the assistance of the Orlando Police, we set up a sting operation at a ruined temple in Orlando and waited for our predator to arrive. Our bait is actually 18 years old, and has a Pendant of Life to protect herself should anything go wrong. The safety of our staff and associates, as well as the suspect, has been carefully considered.

At our agreed upon time, the Temple Guard sprang from the nearby woods in all of his racially insensitive glory. Without hesitation, he made for the entryway of our trap temple. "GrabnGoBoi" is actually Oog, a veteran Temple Guard who has been known to hide in the Tomb of the Ancient Kings; no doubt doing unspeakable things to the bodies therein.

Oog: Hey little adventurer? Still don't have a Token of Life? I've got one right here that you can borrow!

Decoy: Just a minute! I'll be right out once I finish rinsing out my mouthpiece!

Oog: Okay! I shall wait in this entryway and partake of these cookies.

It was time to spring the trap.

Hairson: I'm Chris Hairson from The Bizarro Post, and you're on To Catch a Temple Guard. Why don't you have a sea--

Oog lunged at me, prepared to grasp my shoulders and pull me into the darkness. But I was ready. With a flourish, I brandished my hard-won (we lost three interns) Token of Life!

Oog: Give! You give!

Hairson: I will. But only if you sit down.

Oog: Whatever man say! Want Token!

As Olmec prophesied, the Token of Life soothed the creature. He sat in an ancient temple chair, smoothing his grass skirt for modesty.

Hairson: Oog, you're here to meet a 12-year-old adventurer here, aren't you?

Oog: Oog not know.

Hairson: I have the chatlogs right here, and they're pretty disturbing. Just make this easier for yourself and be honest.

Oog: Oog....just want to warn adventurer not to talk to stranger on internet when they not have Token of Life.

Hairson: So you just wanted to warn the adventurer? Because your name is Grab-and-Go. That's how you pronounce it, right? Didn't you plan to grab an unprotected adventurer and go to your evil realm of darkness? How old are you, really?

Oog: Oog is 3,000 years old. Oog....make mistake.

Hairson: I suggest you don't make it again, Oog. You're free to go.

But of course, Oog wasn't really free to go. Waiting just outside were police officers waiting to take Oog into custody. As of now, Oog has been charged with Conspiracy to Prevent Grand Prize Acquisition and Conspiracy to Commit Supernatural Kidnapping. We must remind you, Oog is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.

We hope that this frightening special will serve as a warning to parents and young archaeologists everywhere. Two decades have passed since Viacom executives summoned the Temple Guards to this world, but they remain a threat to this very day. Keep your children close, and your Tokens of Life closer.

This is Chris Hairson, signing off.