Wild Dogs Get New "Leash" on Life
Bizarro Pittsburgh, PA (BP)- One mother's decision to dangle her 2-year-old child over a habitat at the Pittsburgh Zoo ended in tragedy for her family and triumph for a struggling pack of wild dogs.
African painted dogs are endangered, making the maintenance of a thriving population in captivity all the more important. However, the Pittsburgh pack's behavior wasn't encouraging.
"They were very lethargic," said zookeeper Troy Barnes. "Most of the pack ate sparingly, and seemed disinterested in maintaining natural pack dynamics. People don't realize that if animals lose their will to live, the result could be mass causalities."
These suffering creatures needed a miracle, perhaps a saving grace descending from the sky. And just before noon in November, 2012, that's just what they got. A delicious morsel named Madison Anthony came tumbling into the painted dog enclosure after his mother, Tracy Anthony, placed him on the rim for reasons that are yet unknown. The dogs sprung to life, filled with a vigor that hadn't been seen in nearly a year.
"They pounced instantly," said staff zoologist Kim Hopkins. "It was a clear display of pack dynamics and predatory instincts. The alphas and their subordinates behaved just as they would in the wild."
Evidently finding their new prey to be delicious, the dogs began to eat ravenously. Even those who had become malnourished through self-induced fasts joined in. The remains were retrieved by zookeepers and the zoo was closed for a clean-up and investigation. Tracy Anthony was released later that afternoon at her insistence that she was about to miss an awesome houseparty.
Nearly a year later, the painted dogs are still thriving, though they have been noticed stopping to stare at younger guests while wagging their tails slowly. Carefully.
"They've started to slow down just a bit, but we're exploring our options," Barnes explained. "I think our pack is going to be just fine."
Tracy Anthony is currently working on a book deal that she hopes will help alleviate her massive debts. The Pittsburgh Zoo is closing next Monday for a special guided tour for the children of Saint Mary's Home for Unpleasant Orphans.
Vegans Come in First(-World)
Bizarro Post Awards Bureau- The Guild for First-World Problems has announced the winner of 2013's First-World Problem of the Year medal. Petitions by vegans complaining about Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte takes home the gold with a unanimous vote from the First-World Bullshit Committee.
"Hmmm, yes. It is quite clear that our choice is incontrovertible. Quite," said Hubert Bumberpuss, Chairman of First-World Bullshit.
It's hard to argue the point. In a world gripped by gruesome civil wars, worsening environmental problems, and widespread poverty, nothing is more frivolous than vegans complaining about an overpriced sugar syrup drink not meeting their standards.
The GFWP determined the winner through extensive deliberation and research. Below is an excerpt from their completed Inventory of Frivolity:
WHEREAS vegans have such an abundance of food available that they have actively chosen to exclude a great deal of it.
WHEREAS fast-food coffee with novelty flavors represents a luxury item.
WHEREAS the vegans assert that the composition of a fast-food luxury item is an insult to vegans and lactose-intolerant individuals, despite the routine inclusion of dairy products in coffee additives.
WHEREAS customers have numerous choices in pumpkin spice beverages outside of Starbucks.
We the Committee of First-World Bullshit hereby certify the Petition to Make the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte Vegan Friendly as the First World Problem of the Year.
The first prize includes public scorn, constant harassment through phone calls and emails, and a renewed sense of self-awareness that just might be enough to convince you that you're an irredeemable shithead.
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