Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- Much to the delight of people who actually had shit to do on the Beltway and in the Capitol, a swarm of bikers arrived to burn thousands of gallons of Saudi Arabian oil in order to show the local Muslim community who was boss.
"Jesus Christ," said Representative Steve King (R-Iowa) while stuck in congested Beltway traffic. "When I heard there was going to be a rally against that other rally, I was all for it. But why did these assholes have to be behind it?"
Streets were clogged with tremendous amounts of bikers rolling at walking speed as they celebrated American patriotism. Most rode on vehicles built by Harley Davidson, a company that has been spiraling towards financial destruction for some time now.
"We support the safety and prosperity of all Americans, who don't deserve to be terrorized by criminal thugs," said Hell's Angels bag man Stabbin' Stu.
Upon the arrival of the bikers, Washington D.C. saw its meth trade tripled, its obesity rate quadrupled and its ambient decibel level quintupled. A group of Mongols and Angels began to brawl over a tiny American flag, resulting in a dozen serious injuries and many attempted murder charges. While Republicans were passively supportive of a rally for patriotism, their tune changed the instant they found out bikers were in charge of the entire event.
"This really oranges my skin," grumbled John Boehner (R-OH). "Why did it have to be these people? Why not invite the damn Juggalos next year? Give them some Faygo and Oxycontin! At least they wouldn't make so much goddamn noise!"
The bikers insisted on holding a rally, despite being denied a permit. Belinda Bee, who is not a matronly cartoon insect, was livid over the decision.
"This is purely political! But we the people will not be denied our right to peacefully assemble because of the PC police!" Bee droned on Fox and Friends. City administrators responded to her accusations a few hours later.
"They're asking us to close down major thoroughfares in our city on September 11th to accommodate a shitstorm of hairy men and morbidly obese women to turn our city into a Hepatitis-infested parking lot," said National Park Service representative Sheldon Parker. "Oh, yeah, but let's invite rival biker gangs to compare knives with each other all over town! Because our police don't have enough to do!"
Bikers are expected to depart throughout the next few days. Until that time, residents and visitors to the D.C. area are advised to use insect repellent on their lower legs to prevent trillions of scabies mites from hitching a ride on their shoes and pants. Smoke that smells like cat urine may be observed near hotels, but this is expected to clear soon. Do not make eye contact with bikers, and do not wear excessive amounts of red or blue clothing.
Police estimate that 5,000 bikers participated in the event. Glenn Beck's The Blaze and The Drudge Report counted a total of "a zillion" and "a million billion" respectively.
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