Bizarro Post Indignation Bureau- Fuck Steve Harvey.
He's an insufferable asshole. He is an ever-flowing fountain of pseudo-intellectual bullshit.
Normally, I wouldn't dream of wasting the Indignation Bureau's considerable talent on the latest host of Family Feud. After all, it's the place where acting careers go just before vanishing into the aether, never to be seen again. It's like an elephant graveyard for supporting actors from successful sitcoms that ended years ago. When's the last time you saw Al from Home Improvement, or Elaine's boss from Seinfeld? Exactly.
But he had to go and get a talk show, didn't he? Now there's a second season, and that's terrible. Here's why:
- I am honestly baffled that he managed to succeed as a professional comedian for 27 goddamn years. Steve takes milquetoast grandpa-isms and tries to shout them to life like Dr. Frankenstein on a cloudless night. While other comedians are scaling the cocaine-dusted crags of Mount Stand-up, Harvey is content to pace around at base-camp while his interns Photoshop him onto the summit. Here's an example of what passes for comedy on the Steve Harvey Show:
A woman stands up in the audience and asks Steve why her boyfriend insists on calling her "Bob" when her name is Ashley.
"Well, maybe it because you got something bobbing when you walk by, you know?" replies Harvey, palming two invisible asscheeks. "When you walk by, he's like BOP BOPPA DOO BOP BAH BOP BOP BOP!"
How's that for a big scoop of comedy oatmeal? Harvey starts with some casual sexual harassment, takes the word "Bob", determines that it rhymes with "Bop", and then he decides that belting out Little Richard is good for a cheap pop from the audience. Sure enough, he gets it. Rinse and repeat for episode after episode.
- So Steve wants to be a Christian entertainer? Alright, that's fine. All the best. But Steve, you want to have it both ways. You want to be able to telepathically palm the asses of your trusting audience members and paint yourself as T.D. Jakes. There's no law against doing that, but it makes you look like a tremendous tool.
Harvey, in especially saucy moments on his show, mops sweat from his brow while mumbling, "I sure am glad I'm a Christian right now, let me tell you folks." It's like his faith, which he barely seems to adhere to, is the only thing keeping him from going full Bob Filner.
- The Cookie.
To most people, it's a delicious baked good. To a certain Sesame Street character, it's a crippling addiction. To Steve Harvey, it's sex.
No, really.
If you're wondering why Steve is referring to a woman's body as an object, it's not an accidental window into his innermost psyche (for once). This is absolutely what he means. Harvey, projecting like a fucking I-Max, insists that all men are sexually insatiable creatures that are dominated entirely by barely restrained libidos. Therefore, all the smart ladies out there can use their bodies to manipulate men into serving their interests, since men would never, ever do something for a woman out of respect or love. In Steve-world, men are dogs, and women exist to serve as the dog biscuits that motivate them to sit, stay, and to stop humping everyone's leg. Men are consumers, women are merchandise; so a smart woman had better learn to haggle! See what I'm driving at here?
I suppose it's to be expected from a man with as many obvious issues as Steve. He's on his third marriage, and his first two wives aren't his biggest fans. As a matter of fact, Wife 2 is still insisting that Harvey cheated on her. I don't have any direct evidence of this, of course, but Steve's done absolutely fuck-all to convince me he's capable of the commitment necessary to form a lasting relationship. There's never any mention of friendship or love. Steve views the entire breadth of human romance as the conflict between the Sex Givers and the Sex Wanters.
Okay, Steve, you're a broken human being. We get it. I hope you fix that someday. But you wrote a goddamn book based on your warped concept of human interaction. People read that book and believed it. So fuck you very much for that.
Did I mention that Steve suggests a 90-day probationary period before giving your new boyfriend The Cookie? Because that's how relationships work on his home planet Asswipe 7, in the Sociopath Nebula.
"When I worked at Ford Motor Company, they have (sic) a probation (sic) period...[before they] release their benefit package to you. Why do women, who possess the greatest benefit of them all (Fuck. Off.), why [are] you passing on your benefits to a guy who has not been on the job for 90 days?"
A benefits package. There you fucking have it. A woman's body is a benefits package that you earn by, what, spending money on her for a period of no less than 90 days? And is she obligated to provide her "benefits" at the end of that period? I don't know if that's what he's suggesting, but I get this horrible sinking feeling that it's exactly what he means. No mention of marriage, naturally, so there goes his devotion to living a devout Christian life. What a goddamn shock.
Why doesn't Steve abstain? Why is it the woman's responsibility? Because he's never had to do it, he's never intended to do it, and I wouldn't be surprised if he gets caught with his hand in the "cookie jar" once again. Devout Christian over here, everyone.
- A good talk show host knows how to work an emotional moment. Steve Harvey is not a good talk show host.
Occasionally, Steve will have a guest on his show that hasn't seen their mom or their daughter for a decade or so. He finds them, reunites them. It's Talk Show 101 stuff. So Steve brings out this estranged loved one, the two guests embrace and cry. Steve sits motionless in his chair, his mouth agape, his eyes vacant. Perhaps he's experiencing faint twinges of this "empathy" thing he's heard so much about. In any event, the weeping party is left to their own devices for about 90 seconds too long as the guy who's supposed to be hosting eventually tosses together some platitudes about God having a plan. Toss to break. Collect the paycheck.
And animals. Animal segments are required for talk shows by several international treaties, so it is with great reluctance that Harvey has on one of those guys with the khaki ensemble and pith helmet to play America's favorite talk show game: Will it Poop?
Nobody likes doing these segments, but they're at least polite about it. Conan O'Brien is especially good at playing off of his animal guests. Again, these are skills that a talk show host should have. Harvey spends every animal segment cringing away from every crocodile and parakeet that gets within 50 feet.
"You keep that thing away from me now, before I have to smack somebody," Harvey stutters as he's stared down by an elated Labrador puppy.
"Come on, Steve! It's fine!" says the visibly puzzled handler, desperately trying to push this stalling segment forward.
"No. I ain't getting anywhere near anything you're bringing out here."
He's trying to save the show that's named after you. Pet the damn sloth and move on with your life.
- I'll admit, I don't have the highest opinion of people who willingly go to a live taping of The Steve Harvey Show. However, my prejudices have been dashed time and time again by seeing the many instances in which audience members are clearly bored or disgusted by what they're witnessing.
My favorite moment of all time came when Steve was giving dating advice to an older woman who had a printed list of standards men had to meet before she'd date them. You see, most of this came from being horribly betrayed by men she had been involved with in the past. Anyone can see that she's hurting, and doesn't want to be hurt again. A smart person would build her shattered self-esteem and her bruised sense of confidence. Dr. Phil would be all over that shit. Steve hones in on item number one in the woman's list. Naturally, she wants a man who has never cheated on any previous partner. Sounds pretty reasonable to me!
"No!" gasps Harvey, as though he were chastising an infant who had just said a bad word. According to Steve, guru of love that he is, EVERY man has cheated in their early adult years! You can't seriously expect to find a man who has never cheated!
The camera pans to a sea of scowling women, some shaking their heads in quiet fury. Steve's reflexive attempt to keep the pillow pressed firmly over the face of his atrophied conscience had fooled no one. The chivalrous veneer crumbled more than enough for them to see that this poor woman who came to Steve Harvey for advice was being insulted because she held romantic partners to a standard that Steve had zero fucking interest in reaching.
On top of that, Harvey insists that men and women can never be friends. While I freely admit that I've seen many examples of men and women having secret romantic intentions with friends, to say that it is impossible is yet another example of Steve's warped beliefs on his gender. Specifically, all men are exactly like Steve Harvey. To think otherwise is just silly! You're just not dealing with home truths! And if he's right (God help us all), Steve Harvey must really hate Steve Harvey! Because I sure as shit do!
- But Steve doesn't hate himself half as much as he should. As a matter of fact, his ego is so far beyond acceptable that it's obscene (I know it when I see it). The Steve Harvey Tumblr account is filled to the brim with image macros of Steve Harvey quoting himself.
"Anyone who quotes themselves is a shitstreak on the jockey shorts of civilization." ----Me
You see, Steve is a man's man. He's a provider, an alpha male firmly in charge of his God-ordained destiny. His children have everything they'll ever need to succeed because of his efforts, and the women in his life get their alimony and Trophy Wife dues every month without fail. That just makes him a superior human! Hell, why not? The rich are already basically immune to the laws that bind puny mortals. Why not take it a step further and enshrine them as Godkings? Jesus quoted himself all the time! Guess that explains why a demigod like Steve feels no compunction about doing the same thing!
Oh, what's that, starving Ethiopians? You object to Harvey's rules of manhood because you live in an economically depressed country with no hope of ever being able to truly provide for your family? Well gosh, I guess you should just work harder if you want to become legitimate members of the human race!
What's that, millennial wage slaves? Can't afford to buy a house for you and your girlfriend, cash out of pocket? Well fuck you then, little boy! You don't deserve to be given your mandatory cookie ration with that can't-do attitude!
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When Steve Harvey wrote "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man", he wrote it to "empower women" by explaining the mindset of all men, and how to manipulate it to their advantage. The thing is, it's really an instruction manual on how to avoid the kind of walking douchestorm that nobody should ever interact with for any reason. It's a glimpse into the dangerous psyche of a man who thinks wealth defines value for men, and genitals define value for women. It's Steve Harvey's hate letter to himself, and he didn't even realize it. Well this is my hate letter to you, Steve Harvey.
Fuck Steve Harvey.
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