Dear Parents With Young Children in the Coven

Jamie Three-Wolf-Moon is a Wiccan pansexual mommy blogger who was impregnated by Herpo the Klown during the 2011 Gathering of the Juggalos. She hopes to prove to America that Wiccan witches are not 300 pounds with dyed hair that has more split ends than the War and Peace: Choose Your Own Adventure Edition. Wolf-Moon herself is, but that's beside the point.

Dear Parents With Young Children in the Coven

You are doing something really, really important. I know it's not easy. I see you with your arm-folds bulging, and I know you came to the clearing in the woods already tired. Parenting is tiring. Really tiring. Like, if you happened to use whiskey and Vicodin to sleep through your baby's stupid midnight tantrums, I wouldn't blame you.

I watch you bounce and jiggle, and also hold a baby. You're juggling the diaper satchel and stainless steel pentagram amulet from Spencer's as you find a lawn chair. I see you anxiously produce a bottle containing Eye of Newt (lemon Kool-aid mixed with sprigs of spearmint).

And I see you with your little warlock and witchlette. I watch you cringe when your little girl asks where we get the cat blood in a voice that might not be obscured by the sounds of opening enchantments. I hear the exasperation in your voice as you attempt a Hex of Enduring Silence, but everyone's looking at you because they know you've never been very good at hexes. Not everyone is looking at you, but Steve is. Steve could do that hex in his sleep, and thinks you should spend some more time reading your Necronomicon.

I know you're wondering, is this worth it? Why do I bother? I know you often leave the coven more exhausted than you ever were before, your mana points all but depleted. But what you're doing is so important.

When you are here, the coven is filled with cries of discontent and despair. When you are here, the Cryptic Stench of Satan is more fully present. When you are here, we are reminded that this witchcraft thing we do isn't about forbidden sacraments or personal, odorous contemplation on our innermost dark enkindling. It is about coming together to sign our names in red in a community where muggles aren't welcome. When you are here, I have hope that these druidic circles won't be empty in 10 years when your kids are old enough to take up their own chalice of sanguine binding elixir (the cat thing, if you remember that from earlier). I know that they are learning how and why we worship now, before it's too late to prevent them from seeking a healthy body mass index or playing sports. They are learning that witchery is important.

I see them learning. In the midst of the cries, whines, and giggles, in the midst of the crunching of Pocky sticks and the growing pile of crumbs. I see a little girl who insists on going up to Warghoul the Everdreaded to show him a Spell of Coin Teleportation. I hear a little boy slurping (quite loudly) every last drop of his communal bat bile cup, determined not to miss a drop of Satan's sustenance. I watch a child excitedly color an inverted cross and ask why his friends from school kept saying it was upside-down. I hear the echoes of "Hail Samael!" just a few seconds after the rest of the coven says it together. I watch a boy just learning to read try to sound out the Incantation of Necrotic Resurrection or count his way from 1 to 666. Even on weeks when I can't see my own child learning because CPS thinks a few dozen cats makes a house unsafe for children, I can see your children learning.

I know how hard it is to do what you're doing, but I want you to know it matters. It matters to me. It matters to archdemons that guide our violation of the unjust rule of Heaven. It matters to the congregation to know that sheeple haven't completely taken over, to see young people...and even on those weeks when you can't see the little moments due to a no-contact order, it matters to your children.

It matters that they learn that witchcraft is what we do as a coven of mages, that every clairvoyant and seer is welcome, that their sorcery matters. When we teach children that their magic matters, we teach them that they are enough right here and right now as members of the coven. They don't need to wait until they can enchant, bind, and curse a certain way to be welcome here, and I know adults who are still looking to be shown that. It matters that children learn that they are an integral part of this coven, that their obscene declarations, their whispers to beings beyond the flesh, and even their badly timed questions about why they don't know how their daddy is are all evil noises that exalt our Dark Master.

I know it's hard, but thank you for what you do when you bring your children to the coven. Please know that your family is not tolerated by the servile slaves in the churches, but you will always have a place here among the intolerable.