Breaking: Incident in Washington Navy Yard

Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- BREAKING NEWS ALERT; We have received notice that a spree shooting has taken place at the Washington Navy Yard in an administrative building. Police have reported that one shooter has been killed by SWAT in an administrative building on the base. The number of causalities is unknown.

UPDATE: Police confirm that there are three people of interest in this incident, one of whom is deceased. The dead suspect is a black male in his early 50's, 5'12, 160 pounds. Two people of interests are believed to be white males wearing navy uniforms. We presume both of these suspects have the same description, as it is unlikely that a white male wearing a Navy uniform would be present in a Navy Yard.

UPDATE: Police were seeking three people of interest in the Washington Navy Yard shooting until they realized that "seeking" was the wrong word to use for a body in their custody. Twitter postings suggest that there may be as many as 10 people involved in this incident. Subsequent press releases from Twitter user @animelord420 revised that number down to 9 1/2.

UPDATE: Reports suggest that the deceased shooter may have been a Naval employee, or shift manager at a nearby Denny's.

UPDATE: Shooter has been identified as Terrence Diaz. More as story develops.

UPDATE: Shooter is absolutely not Terrence Diaz. We apologize sincerely about the death threats and all of your various accounts getting hacked. It was an honest mistake, Terrence, and it won't happen again.

UPDATE: Please disregard the Bizarro Post Twitter feed, which reported the identity of the shooter as being Eric the Midget. Our informant, "Ronny the Limo Driver", has evidently pranked us.

UPDATE: Police confirm that there are only two people involved with this incident. A search warrant has been executed on a Navy employee whose access card was in the possession of the shooter. Police also discovered a floppy disk containing the video game Doom 2, a Marilyn Manson album, and a trapper keeper with drawings of skulls and pentagrams inside. The other person of interest is still unaccounted for. He is a white male, 40-50 years of age, 6'1, 180 pounds, wearing a novelty t-shirt reading, "Today's forecast: Rowdy with a chance of beer".

UPDATE: Witness reports that event "sounded like a freight train."

UPDATE: President of the Ron Paul for America Club has called this event a "false flag" operation designed to empower Mossad, the Freemasons, and the Legion of Doom. Statement encourages America to "wake up" and to support Bitcoins as a valid currency.

UPDATE: Press Secretary Jay Carney stated that there would be no discussion of gun control at this time. Sean Hannity condemns Obama Administration for not talking about gun control when it's needed the most.

UPDATE: George Zimmerman seen outside of Navy Yard with a cape and a holstered gun on his hip.

"No. No, goddamnit, not today. Go home," said the officer that turned Zimmerman away.

UPDATE: Photo of deceased suspect Aaron Alexis released. "Could have been Obama's son," said uncle that nobody likes. Family is in negotiations to prevent uncle from attending upcoming Thanksgiving events without making it into "a thing."

UPDATE: Starbucks near Navy Yard has closed until "further notice." Starbucks location 200-yards away remains open.

UPDATE: Reporter in charge of monitoring this story has sawed through his leg and escaped, even though he could have easily just sawed through the chain attached to his ankle. Go figure, huh? Coverage is postponed until we shampoo the carpet and find an intern that can fit in a size 3 shackle.