Jersey Shore Boardwalk DEFINITELY No Longer DTF

Bizarro Jersey Shore, NJ (BP)- One day after a devastating fire ravaged the recently rebuilt Jersey Shore boardwalk, a freak ice storm unleashed its wrath on a wounded community treasure.

"This is fucking bullshit!" screamed Governor Chris Christie to the heavens above. "You want to screw with Jersey, I'm right here, asshole! Come at me!"

The blanket of white covering the mangled remains of the mostly brand-new boardwalk is a stark contrast to the blackened scraps of wood and metal that lies beneath. Fire fighters say that the cold and precipitation will likely eliminate any remaining hotspots, but direct suppression is difficult due to the treacherous conditions and flash-freezing potential.

"The ice makes it next to impossible to tell where the boardwalk might give way, so we're going to continue observing the area until things clear up," said firefighter Gus Marion.

Witnesses and photos suggest that the flames originated from beneath the boardwalk, near a custard stand.

"God is like, pissed or something," suggested Jersey Shore icon Snooki. "If he's mad about our show ending, it's like, cool and stuff. We're still out there working. I'm still here, Jesus! Or was it God? Wait, are they two different people? I never really understood that part."

Taking a similar stance on the disaster, Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church issued a statement linking the constant disasters to MTV's discontinued hit, Jersey Shore.

"God hates the Smush Room," said Phelps. "When people are DTF in the Smush Room, soldiers die. Fires rage. Pastors drink until they have no choice but to beat their children."

There are currently plans to rebuild the boardwalk as an underground bunker, complete with a fallout shelter.