Bizarro Post Fear Bureau- The United States has issued a travel advisory, citing credible intelligence about "spooky incidents" that could happen at any time to anyone.
"I can't be specific about the nature of this intelligence," said General Martin Dempsey, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "However, we believe that a scary skeleton might pop out of something. There is also chatter about the fugitive known as 'The Boogeyman'."
NSA wiretapping suggests that 'The Boogeyman' is hiding in closets or beneath beds, waiting for freedom-loving Americans to come out from under their covers--as it is the only place they are safe from his wrath.
The State Department released a memo revealing that nightlights were being installed in United States Embassies, a tactic that has effectively warded off evil monsters. So far.
President Obama issued a brief statement on the possible motivation behind the threats.
"Dangerous demons are very mad about Edward Snowden receiving asylum," said Obama. "They're really scary, and really hungry! I urge Putin to make them go away by doing the right thing, and I urge American citizens to stop reading Wikileaks. It is filled with ghosts and spiders."
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