Bizarro Moscow, Russia (BP)- Russian President Vladimir Putin, while reviewing preparation efforts for the upcoming Winter Olympics, was stunned when aides showed him a video of past Olympic figure skating competitions.
"Wait, what is this?" shouted Putin, shielding his eyes to prevent the spread of Gay via osmosis. "We will remove this event! It cannot be permitted in a moral society!"
Russia has recently made the creation of "gay propaganda" an offense punishable by law. In the spirit of enforcing this statute, Putin filed a formal request to remove all skating events.
The International Olympic Committee immediately rebuked this request.
"Figure skating and other skating performances are inseparable from the Olympic Winter Games. To insult many of the world's greatest performers by casually dismissing their events is not acceptable to this committee."
President Putin intends to play hardball with male skaters by mandating that they use only "masculine movements" in their routines, and that all male participants must prove their heterosexuality by passionately fondling the armpit hair of Russia's most revered beauty queen, Svetlana Onebrowski.
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