Bizarro Post Investigates: Mugsy and the Mystery Farm

Bizarro Post Investigation Bureau- When Ashley Sanders, 7, awoke to find Mugsy the dachshund gone, her parents had only one cryptic response.

"Mugsy's gone to live on a farm, sweety. He's going to play all day, and he'll be happy forever," said Sharon Sanders, mother.

The explanation brought more questions than answers..

"I don't know if mommy is lying," said Ashley. "Why can't we visit the farm? They won't even tell me where it is! Why does mommy cry when I ask about it? I want to know now, now, now!

So did we. Bizarro News Investigation operatives sprung into action. Our quasi-legal access to Bizarro Branson, Missouri police resources have revealed through cell phone triangulation that the family van departed the Sanders home at 7:00 AM--right around the time Ashley entered the living room to find mommy staring at Good Morning America without really watching it. Mugsy was conspicuously absent.

The van traveled past three farms, but didn't appear to stop at any of them. In the interest of thoroughness, we contacted the owners of these properties.

None of them were harboring a happy dachshund. 

Even more suspicious, the van's round-trip terminated at a veterinary office down the street from a Home Depot. What we learned there was deeply disturbing.

"Yes, we had a disposal request that was sent to the incinerator, and I believe it was a dachshund," said a receptionist who declined to be identified. 

Sharon Sanders' web of lies was beginning to look like those spider webs that a bunch of big-ass cicadas flew through and messed it all up and they were too big for the spider to eat anyway.

Then came the final clue, hidden in the glovebox of the family van. After jimmying the lock open, our investigators found a collar with fur and vomit that were both a decisive genetic match for Mugsy. We had enough evidence to reveal the whole truth. Bizarro Post social worker Irving Goode was asked to present the truth to young Ashley as gently as possible.

Ashley immediately asked if we had found him. Where was the farm?

"There is no farm," said Goode. "One or both of your parents found Mugsy dead. Dead is when your consciousness ceases to exist. Everything Mugsy was has been reduced to so many ashes at a local vet's office. They lied to you, Ashley. I bet they lied to you and said it would never happen to you someday. You'd never be dragged away screaming into the eternal void of death. The lies stop today, Ashley. Demand answers. Seize the truth before your fragile and insignificant existence reaches its inevitable conclusion."

At long last, Ashley Sanders had the truth she had been desperately seeking. And perhaps--just maybe--a sense of closure.

"We're going to the farm," said Ashley, her eyes filled with calm resolve. "First I'm going to send the betrayers. And then I shall follow. We'll play forever."