Romney: I Didn't Say Anything About 47% of Americans

Bizarro Political Bureau- In an interview with the Bizarro Washington Post, Mitt Romney insisted that the controversial remarks he made about "47 percent of Americans" weren't his words at all. They were, according to Romney, the result of hacking.

In May 2012, during a private fundraiser only accessible by donors, a staff member secretly taped presidential candidate Romney's entire address. For the most part, the speech covered subjects that nobody cares about--including boring policy minutia and the usual investments in Chinese labor camps. Several minutes in, while talking about courting voters, Romney created a firestorm by profiling nearly half of the voting public.

  "And so my job is not to worry about those people [47 percent of Americans] -- I'll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives."

Now, months after his sound defeat by incumbent Barack Obama, Romney told reporter Dan Balz [Editor's note: lol] that a malicious person or group manipulated his vocal cords in a high-tech act of  sabotage. "I was talking about that Anthony Wiener guy when the subject of Twitter hacking came up. Apparently sometimes hackers enjoy making people say things they don't mean on Twitter and Facebook, so why couldn't they do that with me?"

Romney made political history twice by being the first android to govern a state and the first of his kind to enter the general election for the American presidency. Despite these personal triumphs, Romney's unusual physiology presented a number of challenges along the campaign trail. His emotion emulator was an older model, and Team Romney's pool of advisers frequently suggested that he upgrade his hardware to a module capable of processing sincerity. Those suggestions were shrugged aside by Romney, who wanted to project a rustic appeal. And besides that, an expensive upgrade would only reinforce the perception that Romney's wealth prevented him from understanding the plight of working Americans. Did the aging hardware and software leave the powerful android exposed to sabotage? Dr. Eggman Riley, "machinest of the stars", is skeptical.

"I suspect Governor Romney has access to extremely sophisticated unauthorized access countermeasures and encryption," said Dr. Riley. "Though I believe nothing is entirely hack-proof, manipulating a speech synthesizer would likely result in a deluge of nonsensical syllables. Programming and transmitting entire coherent  sentences is not feasible."

Romney has not responded to the criticisms, and claims that the matter is being investigated. In fact, he seemed eager to test out his joke synthesizer in a statement made after the interview went to press.

"Those hackers, I bet you anything they would have Tweeted my genitals if they got the chance. Fortunately, I don't have any."