Editorial: Above the Influence Employee Becomes Self-Aware

 I would, first of all, like to thank the Bizarro Post for offering me the opportunity to speak about my personal epiphany that happened while working on behalf of the government-funded Above the Influence anti-drug campaign. My identity will not be revealed for various personal reasons, and besides that my intention in writing this was never to market myself as some sort of burgeoning pundit. This is the story of a man who discovered his sense of irony and self-awareness in an industry that doesn't seem to have any.

What's in a name?

The entire premise of the campaign's name is asking minors to be "Above the Influence" of peer pressure to use drugs. Nobody, not one solitary person, realized the major sticking point of this concept. See, we're asking kids to ignore the influence of their peers while at the same time asking them to subject themselves to the influence of the federal government. 

Besides being creepy and Orwellian, since when have teenagers valued the approval of 75+ year old legislators over, you know, the friends they interact with every goddamn day? The same government that said minorities shouldn't be allowed to sit in the good bus seats, the same government that gets busted while committing acts of mass murder and espionage every other day, the same government filled with people who resent and misunderstand things that are important to the average young person. Hey kids, I think I can forgive you for being cynical about all this.

Reefer Madness Redux

The novelty of the classic film "Reefer Madness" are the wild misrepresentation of THC's actual effects. That novelty is diminished somewhat by the fact that the people making these ads still haven't the slightest goddamn clue what marijuana actually does. If  "Above the Influence" is to believed, pot:

-Makes your bones dissolve.

-Renders you incapable of movement.

-Makes you be a dick to your friends.

-Compels you to have people draw on your face.

-Convinces you to shoot your friends in the face with dad's shotgun.

-Causes you to want to get kicked in the face by a donkey.

Now, besides the bone part, every single one of these can be a direct result of alcohol consumption--which is legal. It was illegal for awhile, but then it created a massive organized crime problem (good thing that problem's solved, huh?). And there's no ambiguity allowed in the spots. All of them attribute this behavior to marijuana, and only marijuana.

Since leaving my position, I have had the opportunity to observe real live human beings that use marijuana recreationally. There is a strong aversion to conflict, nobody wants deadly weapons being waved around (ie. buzz harshing), nobody had any desire to inflict pain on themselves for the entertainment of their friends during a period of heightened sensations, everyone was capable of walking, friends frequently enjoyed each others company by relaxing and having fun after a long day at work.

Cut me some slack(ers)!

Dear God in Heaven. Look at these monsters. They're not earning money for the corporate overlords! They're not composing slam poetry (that is what....urban....people do, right?)! They're not producing tax revenue to pay for more of these commercials!

Hey, guess what? Sometimes people want to, you know, sit down and not do stuff for awhile. And since they're kids, they'd better enjoy the goddamn ride, because it's all downhill once the student loans come into play.

Be yourself!*

The message that gets pushed the hardest is that in order to "be yourself", you have to resist the influence of your peers--who are apparently all members of the Keith Richards clone army. But in order to be "cool" in the eyes of Above the Influence, you have to conform to all of their opinions. Also, you have to conform to their opinions if you don't want to be beaten mercilessly by the police/DEA and thrown in prison for a decade. Not only are we providing children a false choice, we're dancing around the brutally punitive American justice system.

If you smoke pot, you'll never amount to anything!

Are you goddamn serious?

 Obama's "Choom Gang" actually demonstrates a number of things that directly contradict every single claim Above the Influence makes about marijuana. For instance, pushing your friends away:

"Yes. The Choom Gang was a bunch of typical high school teenagers, who were out to explore the world, to make it an adventure, to make it fun, to make it funny, and just generally become a family on our own. I mean, the Choom Gang became more of a family to me more than my own family." - Tom Topolinski, high-school friend of Obama

 Or, you know, creating a fellowship of young men supported each other through the potentially difficult high school transitional period from childhood into the adult world.

I think the bottom line here is that our government is constantly denying reality. Our last three presidents admitted to experimenting with drugs. Practically all of the most beloved and talented entertainers have, or still do use drugs and alcohol. Yet here we are, in the Year of Our Lord 2013, and we're still wringing our hands over the boogeymen that come from the same place they always have--right out of the asses of clueless old rich guys. I, for one, want no part in it.