Putin Makes Offer to Snowden

Bizarro Moscow (BP)- Russian President Vladimir Putin has offered to grant American fugitive Edward Snowden citizenship if he can beat him in a staring contest.

The headstrong political figure, known for his piercing gaze and shirt allergy, announced his challenge Monday afternoon while wrestling a hungry anaconda.

"There can be no weakness in a Russian," said Putin through a translator. "Rocks from space explode over our cities. Vodka drinking is national past-time. Dashcam of fatal accidents is chief export. American meth makes teeth fall out. Russian meth make legs fall off. If Snowden will look into my eyes so that I can read fabric of his soul, then maybe. Maybe."

Snowden, who has been living in a pillow fort at a Bizarro Moscow airport for the past month, seemed unnerved by the offer.

"Dude, I've read the NSA documents on KGB training," said Snowden, peeking out from his bunker. "They bring in a falcon, and you have to kill it just by making eye contact with it."

Nonetheless, hipster bloggers in communication with Snowden suggest that he is giving the offer serious consideration. Citizenship would mean that he could move freely throughout Russia, and he would be given a complimentary tracksuit. The offer is made all the more enticing due to Venezuela and Ecuador, nations that have both made asylum offers, being out of reach.

Although members of Congress have apparently grown weary of discussing the NSA leaker and his flight from American authorities, the Obama Administration is still adamant about arresting and prosecuting Snowden on espionage charges.

"Oh yeah?" said Vice President Biden when he was briefed on Putin's offer. "Well I challenge him to an arm wrestling contest. Nobody's ever beaten 'Iron Joe' Biden. I win, I get Snowden. He wins, hell, he can have Alaska. Let's go, man! Let's do this!"

Whitehouse Press Secretary Jay Carney distanced the administration from Biden's candid comments. "The White House kitchen ran out of graham crackers, and Biden always gets cranky if snacktime doesn't go his way. Hopefully he'll mellow out after a nap."