Prison Break Concerns Few

Bizarro Iraq (BP)- After a ruthless assault on the notorious Abu Ghraib prison by a group of sectarian militants calling themselves "The Islamic State of Iraq and Levant", about 250 violent offenders were released from their cells. Despite the fact that the majority of the escapees are still free, Iraqi officials are not concerned.

Warden Asad Tawfeek shrugged at our questions as he swept up debris from a cell block. "Your fears are understood, but misguided. We planned to release them soon anyway. Except Omar Zaman. That guy was a douche."

The ISIL, which formed from an alliance between Al Qaeda operatives from Syria and Iraq, strongly denied those claims in a video statement released hours after the successful assault.

"We have freed 250--no, 500---no, 10,000 zillion of the most vicious, bloodthirsty warriors of justice ever birthed," said an unidentified militant wearing a ninja mask. "They put the 'mental' in 'fundamentalist'. Like, I'm not even sure I'm comfortable being around these dudes. I heard one of them can set things on fire using only the power of his raw hatred! Damn, that's spooky!"

The Iraqi government was quick to provide evidence to the contrary. Extensive documentation revealed a massive and highly effective rehabilitation program had been in place since the prison's Genital Torture Fiesta ended with the court marshaling of several American guards. Between the therapy transcripts and videos, the effectiveness of the program is hard to deny.

-Shadi Ahmed took courses in "Women's Literature" and "The History of Feminism". Afterwards, he penned several popular essays about the importance of educating and empowering women.

-Bassam Navid El-Ghazzawy studied to become a certified dental assistant, and volunteered at clinics for the poor during supervised work-release periods.

-Mufaddal Ali trained under an accomplished painter, and went on to make a series of posters alerting children to the dangers of unexploded ordinance.

The only exception was Omar Zaman, who refused to stop writing obscene haikus.

Since the prison break, residents report a dramatic increase in volunteering, good citizenship, and community outreach programs.

President Barack Obama was optimistic about the future of post-invasion Iraq during a press conference Thursday morning.

"America and her allies have paid a high price to bring this new age of prosperity to Iraq. And when you can release so many death row inmates and get a result like this, that's how you know that the job is truly done."

While ISIL hasn't acknowledged that the vast majority of the prisoners they freed have become respected, productive citizens, they still found it in them to gloat in a tape sent to Al Jazeera.

"We have recruited a man named Omar," said the spokesterrorist. "His words scorch with the heat of a thousand suns. No infidel will go uninsulted as long as he fights for our glorious army!"