Bizarro Washington DC (BP)- The Lincoln Memorial is closed today after a visitor noticed that its iconic statue had been defaced with green paint.
"We can't say with complete certainty at this time, but we believe this crime matches the M.O. of Doctor Pollock," said National Park Service spokeswoman Carol Johnson. "That's why we contacted the Justice League to investigate further."
Batman, the world's greatest detective, arrived first.
"There's little doubt in my mind that Doctor Pollock is behind this," said the caped crusader. Preliminary Batvision analysis indicates that the paint matches the previous works of Doctor Pollock on a molecular level.
The Tragedy of Doctor Pollock
Born to wealthy art dealers in 1971, a young Claude Louvre developed a fascination with the works of Jackson Pollock that soon transformed into obsession. For days on end, the young man would stare at Pollock's--convinced beyond all reason that they contained a code that could unlock the secrets of the universe.
"I am quite close to learning his forbidden language," wrote Claude in his infamous diary. "And when I do, I shall open the window to the past, present, and future of all creation. I will bring Pollock's renaissance to fruition!"
One tragic evening, when Claude was only 15, a group of ruthless art thieves burst into the Louvre Estate. Claude's parents were gunned down in front of him, their blood splashing against the walls of their private gallery. The young man hid until the assailants had left with their loot.
"I saw the blood on the wall," said Claude to a reporter. "It defined my future. I will not waver from its instructions."
Claude Louvre vanished from his foster home hours after he arrived, and was not seen again for nearly ten years. Then, a strange crime spree began in Bizarro Chicago. Museums were broken into, guards were assaulted, and paints were splattered on the walls and displays in a way that seemed random.
Random, of course, to everyone except Doctor Pollock--who identified himself with a YouTube video after defacing a number of dinosaur fossils with pink paint.. The Justice League was reluctant to get involved at first, due to the petty nature of Louvre's crimes. Then he splattered orange paint on Wonder Woman's invisible jet.
"Yeah," said Green Lantern after that incident. "Shit got real, then."
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As of now, the super heroes are still trying to determine the whereabouts of Doctor Pollock before he can strike again. Except for Aquaman, who was told that there were vital clues in the Washington Monument's reflection pool.
"I'm helping!" said the useless tool as he examined a crusty penny.
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