Man Mows Without Shirt, Gives No Shits
Bizarro Ardmore, OK- Richard Prower, 57, is well aware of his morbid obesity, but he isn't letting that stop him from mowing his lawn while shirtless.
"It's hot outside," he said, pausing to brush away droplets of sweat that were soaking into his shoulder hair. "Nothing illegal about a man working on his own property without a shirt. I'd probably do it anyway if it were illegal."
As often as three times a week, Prower dons a pair of of jean shorts, long tube socks, and sandals to maintain his carefully groomed yard. Neighbors appreciate his beautification of their community, but aren't sure what to think about his trembling torso.
"I'm not totally sure what to say," said neighbor Dora D. Esplora. "I mean, it's totally his right. It's not obscene, per say. But that giant surgical scar on his sternum is kind of gross. Plus he's got this weird halo of hair around his nipples."
Dee Swanson, head of the local Homeowners' Association, shuffled her feet when asked about Prower's garish gardening garments. "I know how to pick battles, and I'm not picking that one."
According to Prower, he doesn't care all that much about the stares.
"I'm not George Clooney. So what, you think I don't know that? If they don't want to look, the good Lord gave 'em plenty of other things to stare at outside."
Late Breaking: Teen Elected Prom Queen, Beats Disabled Student by One Vote
Bizarro Champaign, IL- Champaign Central High senior Sharon Akers, 18, made waves on YouTube after a friend posted an emotional video of her winning the title of Prom Queen against steep odds.
The event took place during an assembly in early May at the CCHS gymnasium. Akers' friend, Nora Wilks, recorded it all on her cell phone.
"I was so excited at the time, I forgot that I had even recorded the whole thing," Wilks said. "When I was clearing out my phone, I found it and knew that I had something special."
The contestants were tense as they stood together on stage, their peers looking on and snapping pictures. Two of the candidates were total sluts, and had no chance. Sharon only had one serious competitor; a special education student named Kimberly Myers.
"She has Downs Syndrome and three fingers on each hand," said Sharon. "As soon as the special education teacher nominated her, I knew there was a really serious chance I could get stomped."
But the race was far from over, and Sharon had not yet begun to fight. A political action committee was formed, The Committee to Crown Sharon Akers, and an aggressive campaign was orchestrated by students like A.V. Club President Leonard Belcher.
"After [Sharon] promised to let me kiss her, I was intrigued. When she said 'with tongue', I knew that I would become her strongest advocate," said Belcher.
Leornard unleashed the full force of his A.V. Club's substantial media machine. Posters with slogans like "DOWN WITH DOWNS!" were slipped into every locker. Video from a concealed camera appeared on Facebook, which appeared to show Kimberly picking her nose and wiping it on a cafeteria table.
Akers was pleased."We thought 'Boogergate' would be enough, but we had to be sure."
In exchange for promises of third-base, morning announcement pundit Mick Savage pledged his support.
"I'm just asking. Where did Kimberly get that extra chromosome? Did she steal it? Did she get it from Obama's constant handouts? I've worked my fingers to the bone, and nobody's offered me an extra one!" said Savage during a morning announcement.
As Sharon Akers stood on that solemn stage, she was plagued with doubt. Had it all been for nothing? Had she done enough? Would Mick Savage tell someone about her third nipple?
"Ladies and gentlemen," shouted Glee Club president Joey Patton. "I have the results, and Oh. My. God."
The audience was now completely silent.
"The winner, by one vote, is Sharon Akers!"
Cheers and jubilation exploded as the crowd jumped to their feet.
"I thought it was over," sobbed Sharon into Patton's extended microphone. "But you showed the world that the allure of 'Today Show' appearances and 'sympathy' couldn't beat the power of popularity! Go Maroons!"
As this reporter watched her story come to a fairytale ending, I couldn't help but agree.
Go Maroons.
Repo Man Makes a Difference
Bizarro Lydia, SC- In the life of a repossession agent, seizing vehicles from rural communities is a common scenario. Bob Starnes, 45, received that very assignment in Bizarro Lydia, South Carolina.
"Since vehicle repo jobs are so high-risk, we try not to pull the trigger on them unless it's as clear as crystal the guy doesn't plan to pay another cent of what he owes," said Starnes, who works on behalf of several companies as a freelancer.
The risk is indeed high. Seizing a car from a stranger's driveway under any circumstances won't win you a new friend, and the fatal shooting of a repo man in Bizarro Sumter was looming large in Starnes' mind as he approached the residence of George Stanton.
"I've perfected my technique when it comes to 'tow-and-go' jobs. You usually get caught partway through, but you try to avoid it when you can."
Stanton's blue Nissan Titan slid towards the ramp of Starnes' truck, the growl of the engine and crackling of gravel masking the footsteps approaching from the rear.
"He was on top of me before I knew it, and his arms circled me and squeezed."
Starnes reached for the bear mace on his hip, but froze when he heard what the man was shouting.
"He just kept saying 'thank you' over and over. Didn't know what to make of it. Guy had 'meth' written all over him, though. Open sores and the like."
As Stanton babbled questions, Starnes did his best to answer them. What day was it? The 17th. What month? July.
"He was reeling around like I had just told him aliens were invading, And then George starts to explain himself."
The toothless tweaker went on to say that the repossession of his car made it clear that change was finally about to happen.
"I guess he finally realized that drugs had a price he hadn't counted on," said Starnes. "He won't be getting his teeth back I'd imagine, but I hope it's not too late for him to get clean. You should have seen how he waved as I pulled away with his truck. His arm was like a dog's tail after he sees his master for the first time in months."
Bob Starnes' hopes were realized. George Stanton was seen in town weeks later looking like a new man. He landed a decent job at a nearby auto shop, and began teaching Sunday school at New Hope Baptist Assembly. Stanton lost a truck, and gained a new lease on life. Stanton declined a phone interview, but sent a brief email to our home office.
"Thank God for him," wrote Stanton. "I hope it's over quick for that poor man."
UPDATE: It turns out that the truck was possessed by an elder demon from the boiling heart of the Dimmuborgir that feeds on vital essences with its sharp proboscis and creates cursed jewelry with the teeth of its thrall. After several months of feeding, the drained husk is served to the Lord of Worms as a boon. Once sated, the Worm will refrain from devouring the rotting carcass of human civilization for nine years, ten months, and three days. We thank Bob Starnes for this offering, however involuntary it may have been.
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