INT. OFFICE BUILDING-MIDDAY
Police surround JOHNNY POSTALMAN, who is holding GENERIC OFFICE GUY against his chest, a gun to his temple. Suddenly, the elevator opens up to the bottom half of a wheelchair. PAN UP to reveal IRONSIDE, scowling. His hatred is an aura that he vomits upon all assembled. TALENTED FEMALE ROOKIE nods at IRONSIDE, her feminine frailty at its breaking point. Only a strong, powerful paraplegic can rescue this damsel.
IRONSIDE
Who's in charge of this shitshow?
GENERIC POLICEMAN
Whoa, you can't say that!
IRONSIDE
Shut up, bitch. I do what I want, when I want.
POSTALMAN
Hey buddy, I'm wise to your game! Yeah! You're compensating for your impotence by lashing out at everyone! You're going to be just like me one day!
IRONSIDE
Talented Rookie. We've got a human-shield style hostage here. What should you do in this situation?
ROOKIE
Uh, we should call a negotiator. Which is what I did. And they sent you.
IRONSIDE
Screw it. Shoot the hostage.
POSTALMAN recoils slightly, perplexed.
POSTALMAN
What the hell is wrong with you? You should be arresting this guy!
ROOKIE
I'm an excellent shot, Mr.Ironside. I can hit the perp without even coming close to the hostage. Why would you tell me to do that?
IRONSIDE glowers. "HOW YOU LIKE ME NOOWWWW!!!????" sting plays from The Heavy.
IRONSIDE
I said shoot the goddamn hostage.
POSTALMAN pushes the hostage away and raises his hands in the air.
POSTALMAN
Jesus man, I'll give up! Just chill out, you psychopath!
IRONSIDE
Shoot the hostage.
ROOKIE grimaces, her weak female will overcome by the raw sex-pantherness of IRONSIDE. She shoots GENERIC OFFICE GUY in both knees.
GENERIC OFFICE GUY
Oh Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you assholes!?
IRONSIDE
Damn, baby! Knee shots and everything. You're a natural. You ain't walking anywhere now, are you? Now you know my pain, don't you!? You'll all know before I'm done!
POSTALMAN
So...what about me?
IRONSIDE draws his pistol and shoots POSTALMAN in his lower vertebrae.
POSTALMAN
I can't feel my legs! My genitals are useless now!
IRONSIDE
So are mine. Don't see me going all crazy over it.
The Heavy-HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW!!!!!!!!!????????
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. HOCKEY RINK
HOCKEY PLAYERS scrimmage on the ice. They are a youth league, perhaps 14-15 years of age. IRONSIDE sits on the side wearing a shirt with COACH emblazoned on it. His badge and gun are clipped to his belt.
IRONSIDE
Let's go you little shits! You think you're so good, with you legs all moving and shit! I could kill all of you with my bare hands! Don't tempt me!
HOCKEY PLAYERS slide to a stop in front of their coach, the practice apparently having ended. They wait for a pep talk.
HOCKEY CHILD
Mister Ironside, are you sure we should hit the other team in the knees with our sticks?
IRONSIDE
Bitch, if I wasn't sure about it I wouldn't have told you to do it.
HOCKEY CHILD
But that could really hurt them! It's just youth league! It's not worth crip....
IRONSIDE leans forward in his chair.
IRONSIDE
Say it.....
HOCKEY CHILD
I'm scared Mister Ironside!
IRONSIDE draws his service weapon and presses it against the boy's forehead.
IRONSIDE
Say. It.
HOCKEY CHILD
Crippled! We'll cripple them!
IRONSIDE
Hell yes. You will. You'll show them the pain. Won't you, team?
HOCKEY CHILDREN
Yes Mister Ironside!
IRONSIDE waves the gun erratically at the children, who recoil in terror.
IRONSIDE
Are you little fucks trying to say cripples are weak? You think I'm weak, you little bitches? I'll show you! Then I'll show your mommies and daddies! I'll show your all your little friends at school. Get off my ice you worthless bastards!
HOCKEY TEAM skates away sobbing in fear. CHIEF EXASPER strolls up from behind, clearly having seen everything.
EXASPER
Christ, man. That shit's going to end up on YouTube one of these days, and all the exasperated chiefs in the world won't be able to cover your ass.
IRONSIDE
If you can't handle the heat.....get off the ice.
The Heavy-HOW YOU LIKE ME NOWWWW!?????
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. POLICE CAR. NIGHT.
IRONSIDE and TALENTED FEMALE ROOKIE are sitting together on a stakeout outside ST.MARY'S ORPHANAGE waiting for the EASTSIDE ORPHAN STRANGLER.
ROOKIE
Rookie or not, I'm ready to prove myself. The Eastside Orphan Strangler is screwed.
IRONSIDE
You're not man enough to take on someone like that. You're just here to build sexual tension between us.
ROOKIE
What the hell? Don't you know that' sexual harassment?
IRONSIDE
And don't YOU know? I'm a loose cannon that doesn't play by the rules.
The Heavy-HOW YOU LIKE ME NOOOWWWWWW!!????
ROOKIE
Oh my God, I suddenly am incredibly attracted to you for reasons!
IRONSIDE and ROOKIE begin making out, groping each other with wanton abandon. Through the windshield, we see ORPHAN STRANGLER sneaking into the front entrance of the orphanage.
ROOKIE
Are you...functional?
IRONSIDE
Medically, I shouldn't be. But it's hard to maintain my masculinity as a plot device if I couldn't, so yeah, basically.
IRONSIDE and ROOKIE share a passionate tryst in the front of the police cruiser. ORPHAN STRANGLER emerges from the front doors of the burning orphanage, severed heads rolling in a duffelbag on his back.
ROOKIE
Oh my God, the strangler! He's getting away with those severed heads! And he burned the evidence. The screaming and carnage are beyond description!! This is blasphemy against all human decency!
IRONSIDE
Goddamn, I love the way you talk dirty. Are there any broken legs? Severed spines? I need you to say yes right now. I need you to tell me you see that. Right now...
We hope you enjoyed this sneak peak of Ironside! Be sure to watch the premiere before it's abruptly cancelled.
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