Editor's Note: The following article has been written in such a way that we don't trigger P...R....I....S....M. Apparently they've grown tired of flagging us, and have made many thinly veiled threats involving "vigorous cavity searches" if we don't stop distracting them from their 4chan monitoring project.
Bizarro Washington, D.C. (BP)- After a woman rammed her car into a barrier protecting the house that is the same color as snow and most of Congress, police were lead on a high speed chase that ended in...boomy projectile flinger use. Now that the suspect is deceased and the area has been secured, America is holding its breath as it waits to see who will win a free talking point.
"I think it's a [Lipton's Brisk Iced ______] Party member," said a Jan Watson, a barista working near the scene. "This could be something awesome to bludgeon them with."
No mater what their allegiance, most tend to agree that they'd rather not have this be the result of a Schizophrenic episode yet again.
"It's so boring," groaned reporter Sharon Bartlett. "There's no mileage with isolated incidents involving mental disorders. You can make some noise about needing legal reform involving the mentally ill and [boomsticks], but that's about it."
The media's most dire fears are starting to seem more plausible, as authorities responding to the scene have confirmed the incident is isolated and that the suspect has no ties to scary-ism.
Some, like Americans for Freedomy Freedom publicist Chris Garland are still holding out hope. "We've been waiting for a [not-law-following] act by an Occupy goon for awhile now, and I've got a good feeling about this one. In fact, we already started spreading the talking point on Twitter."
No matter who goes home with the Heavyweight Blame-Belt, the [Head of the Executive Branch], the [Elected delegates currently in contention], and the citizens of our nation's capitol are safe thanks to the fast and decisive response of DC Police and the [Victoria's _________] Service.
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