Government Shutdown: The List

Bizarro Post Clarity Bureau- The government shut down is a confusing subject for many Americans. Does it mean that all laws have been suspended? According to my lawyer and the police officer who dragged me from the burning helicopter I stole to avoid the SWAT vans pursuing me, not at all. Does it mean that politicians can't fundraise using elegant dinner parties? No! Though hijacking a septic tank truck and spraying the interior of their convention center before stealing a helicopter tends to dampen the charitable spirit of attendees.

So what does it mean, exactly? The Bizarro Post has the answers you need!

Active Duty Military: Ordered not to shoot until whites of eyes are visible.

Advisory Council on Historic Preservation: Closed. Alamo bulldozed for Wal-Mart Supercenter.

Armed Forces Retirement Homes: Residents given bayonets and told that there is enough tapioca for one man and one man only.

Armenian Genocide Memorial Committee: Doesn't exist, no need to close. Ottoman Empire Demographic Restructuring Commendation Committee will operate in a limited capacity.

Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board: Closed. Citizens advised to avoid clouds of gas shaped like skulls and crossbones. Also, avoid aging fertilizer plants.

Commodity Futures Trading Commission: Closed. I'll tell you what that means as soon as I figure out what they actually do.

Congressional Offices: Congressmen are still accepting lobbyist checks and laundered 501 C3 money. Still available for trysts with desperate interns and emotionally vulnerable male pages.

Consumer Product Safety Commission: Closed. Massive amounts of crib collapse and lawn dart impalement expected.

Corporation for National and Community Service: All celebrities convicted of DUI now free to stay at home and ruin careers on Twitter.

Defense Nuclear Facilities Board: Staff reduced to Mr.Simpson from Sector 7-G.

Department of 9/11 Remembrance: Shut down. 9/11 forgotten.

Department of Commerce: Mostly shut down. All "disappointing and misleading jobs report numbers" will be delayed until one month after conclusion of shutdown.

Department of Coup Avoidance: Invisible fence that disrupts pacemakers now disabled. Dick Cheney is free to attempt a hostile takeover at any second.

Department of Education: is clozed on fedral leval. rik parry will sellebrate win he remambres thought he does naught liek this duhpartmint.

Department of Energy: Partially closed. Some brownouts are expected, so save your work oft

Department of Health and Human Services: Open. Sign-ups for the Affordable Care Act still being accepted. However, human syringes are too scarce to use for routine inoculation. Federal zoologists have donated rhino needles to use in the meantime, but practitioners are warned that the phrase "this won't hurt a bit" is not applicable at this time.

Department of Homeland Security: Staff reduced to loose cannon agent and his most trusted team of hackers, intelligence specialists, and munitions experts. But there's a mole among them! Will they discover the embedded agent in time to save Christmas!?

Department of the Interior: All national parks are closed. Old Faithful has been shut down to preserve water. Picnic baskets are fair game for bears. Yellowstone caldera has promised not to vaporize most of North America in the interim.

Department of Justice: All criminal cases will be referred to Judges Judy and Mathis, who work for private companies. No further arrests are possible at this time. Brutal beatings of the homeless and unarmed minorities are unavailable until police departments are funded again. Citizens advised "not to do anything I wouldn't do."

Department of Labor: Employees encouraged to keep fingers away from moving parts, because they're on their own with that shit. Employers who disregard labor law may be reported on the "Rants and Raves" section at your local Craigslist site.

Department of Transportation: America's transportation infrastructure will be over-reliant on inefficient combustion engines, with virtually no reliable mass transit outside of major cities--and even those systems are far from reliable. In summary: No changes anticipated.

Department of Veterans Affairs: Reductions in services will be limited. Services are already limited to the degree that changes should be negligible.

Election Assistance Commission: Closed. Chad pregnancy expected in record numbers.

Environmental Protection Agency: Shut down. Feel free to dispose of discarded oil in sewer drains, provided you have some paint thinner to wash it all down. Clear and brown water is drinkable. Black water should be avoided. Green water will either give you cancer or super powers. Sea turtle stompings are scheduled along the east coast this weekend.

Equal Employment Opportunity Commission: Long-haired hippy people need not apply. Also, women and minorities.

FDIC Office of Inspector General: Bank robbery losses will now be charged to the account of whoever acts like the biggest jerk at the teller window.

Federal Communications Commission: Completely shut down. Television expected to be flooded with graphic nudity. DVR use is expected to reach record levels. Citizens advised to knock before entering a room.

Federal Energy Regulatory Commission: Closed. Citizens encouraged to use thermostat to achieve their most shameful room temperature fantasies

Federal Mine Safety Commission: Replacement canaries are not available. Use unpaid interns in the meantime.

Financial Crimes Enforcement Network: Staff and budget cuts are irrelevant, as the FCEN is actually a front for a corporate money laundering cooperative with the federal government.

Financial Management Service: All highly-educated finance experts are furloughed until idiots elected by frothing fanatics and ignorant mouth-breathers determine how to allocate nation's financial resources.

Institute of Museum and Library Services: Closed. Assassins assigned to eliminate repeat overdue book offenders will be delayed. It could be next week. It could be tomorrow. Maybe a few years from now. Either way, your punishment is long.....overdue.

Internal Revenue Service: Shut down. WHOOOOOOO!!!

International Boundary Commission: Closed. Is it just me, or is Canada's border fence creeping south?

International Joint Commission: Closed, and not nearly as awesome as the name implies.

Millennium Challenge Corporation: This anti-poverty group is currently unable to function. Also, the shutdown closed it.

NASA: Closed. Mars rover is "on its own", but is reported to be street-smart enough to handle the mean streets of Olympus Mons. Sandra Bullock and George Clooney on their own.

National Council on Disability: All handicap ramps will be turned into narrow stairs.

National Science Foundation: Closed. 50th report with indisputable evidence of man-made climate change is delayed. 49th report is insufficient to convince public who "just doesn't know that the evidence is in yet." At this time, none of the of aforementioned citizens have ever read a single word of any report every produced on the subject.

National Transportation Safety Board: Partially closed. Bus drivers advised to stay over 60mph just to be safe. Metro/Metra transit riders advised to avoid window seats and cover their heads and eyes while train is in motion.

NSA: Intercepted nude selfies will not be archived for duration of shutdown. Terrorist threat level gauge now in sleep mode.

Office of Government Ethics: lol

Peace Corps: Employees will be stranded in countries with barely functioning governing bodies, corrupt law enforcement, and massive poverty. For everyone outside of America, normal operations are expected.

Privacy and Civil Liberties Oversight Board: Torturing of PCLOB employees at Gitmo will be suspended to save money on fresh car batteries and welding torches.


PRISM: Will only spy on foreign-sounding names beginning with A.

Small Business Administration: Government agency shut down. Responsibilities reassigned to the Wal-Mart Corporation

Social Security Administration: Open, foolishly prolonging the boomer plague.

Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction: Open. The ribbon cutting ceremony at a Kabul hospital is happening at the time of this publi.....ahhhh, nevermind, it just exploded.

U.S. Patent and Trademark Office: If this situation is not resolved soon, the Patent Office will close within a few weeks. In the event that it does, I invented the lightbulb and I dare you to prove that I didn't.

U.S. Interagency Council on Homelessness: Closed. All people planning on becoming homeless are asked to remain in their current residence until funding is restored. All current vagrants are being asked to beat themselves into a coma to save the police money.

U.S. Commission of Fine Arts: Closed. BA in Fine Arts now COMPLETELY useless.

USDA: Partially closed. Sanitation at butcheries and food processing plants now governed by Honor System.

American Alphabetizing Service: Closed.