Dr. Handy Twinerlegs is a practicing OBGYN who for some reason is apparently supposed to have credible opinions about sociology (and can we just acknowledge that the concept of male gynecologists is just.....you know, I really don't want to paint the entire profession with a broad brush, but you have to believe that there's at least one guy out there just in it for.....you know what? Nevermind.).
Is watching "The Walking Dead" seriously hurting American society?
I would argue 'Yes.' Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. You either think I'm some paranoid wackjob, or I'm a cynical asshole who reads into things so I can constantly generate new material for my employers and get paid a nice, fat commission. By the way, acknowledging your criticism has minimized it and removed all the potency that your response might have had. Suck it!
I also know what you're thinking about male gynecologists, so you can stop now.
Violence is the common theme in pop culture today. I know I said that sex was the major threat to our national moral code last week, but my eyes have been opened! We live in a world that is singularly fascinated by zombie violence. Not zombie sex, though, because that's gross. People spend countless precious hours indulging in escapist fantasies where the dead are stalking the living because of a primal urge to murder and eat. I know good and well you've got a guy on your Facebook feed who won't stop posting "zombie preparedness" image macros. Well, it's not just that one guy. It's everyone you know and love. It's you, America.
And the video games! Good God, so many video games with the zombies! Who wouldn't be troubled by the thought of a young, precious child being exposed to an imaginary world where they use firearms and cudgels against inhuman monsters (deer, squirrels, and stray animals are fine, of course). Studies have shown that violent games can make children apathetic towards violence. Yes, yes, I know that they're explicitly labeled to keep them out of the hands of children. But that's just an afterthought I intend to omit for the sake of my narrative. Wait, shit, I didn't mean to write that part. NOTE TO INTERNS: Please remove that part. I am not good with computer.
This whole phenomenon is puzzling to me. Dead people coming back to life was invented by George Romero back in a backwards time where the black guy was the dignified, strong protagonist and the last one to die in a horror movie. Ever notice how America went downhill from there? And now America has a powerful minority as its protagonist, who is desperately trying to convince us to barricade ourselves upstairs instead of locking ourselves in the basement with the sweaty white guy?
And get this! The National Institutes of Health have created a how-to guide about surviving a zombie outbreak! Or maybe it was the Centers for Disease Control. I don't know why you expect me to know the difference! I'm a medical doctor, not an encyclopedia!
Anyway, as a doctor and scientist, I know that dead people are definitely staying that way (EXCEPT JESUS PLEASE NO EMAILS). We should be less fixated on zombies and more focused on the scourge of socialism that threatens to shove its callused, ungloved digits carelessly into America's no-no places. Sure, entertainment distracts you from your dreary existence as an unappreciated wage slave, but I'm afraid I just don't give a shit! I'm paid to make you desperate and afraid, and I'm very good at my job. When I'm feeling especially motivated, sometimes I shout "Oh dear Jesus, this is the worst thing I've ever seen in all my years of practice!" during exams. Gets them every time!
This country is heading towards socialism, and ultimately destruction. I know that pretty much every first-world country in the world except us not only has nationalized healthcare, they've got actual socialist political parties too! But America is exceptional! We know that leftist policies must be destroyed no matter what the cost! The CIA installed right-wing dictators in Iran, Iraq, and pretty much all of South America, and all of those countries....continue to exist to some extent! Yet socialist-friendly countries like Germany can't decide whether they want to be divided in half or if they want to tear the wall down! Make up your minds, you creepy fetishists!
What I'm saying is, if you aren't terrified and screaming in mortal terror every day of your life, you're not living correctly! I hate using cliches, but YOU are the zombie! Wake up, America! Fight for WE THE PEOPLE.
And yes, I know that I could have written this article about literally anything remotely entertaining or distracting. I know that I had to really stretch to make a direct connection between zombies and the fall of society to Lord Ozero. You know what, fuck off, Google Analytics says that "zombies" is a very popular keyword. That's the only reason I wrote any of this. I don't have to explain myself to you. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a speculum at the office that's calling my name.
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