CSPAN Slims Down

Bizarro Post Political Media Bureau- As a measure to save money, CSPAN has reduced its call-in program to one phone line.

The three previous options were Republican, Democratic, or Other in the hopes that a diversity of views would be represented. However, this approach rarely functioned as intended.

"The three-line thing was an absolute joke," said CSPAN producer Marilyn Reynolds. "The Republican line had people ranting about the Illuminati and Zionist banks. The Democratic line clearly had the exact same callers, except they preface everything with 'I'm a Democrat, but--', and the Other line even more shrill dickheads."

The new phone number is simply called the "Crazy Asshole" line. Producers insist that they haven't had a rational call in the history or CSPAN's public forum implementation and don't see any need to include a second line for well-informed discussion.

"One line! Another step towards the singularity! Another attempt to singalize the plurality! This is an introduction to the JEW World Order!" screamed frequent caller Samuel "Spider" Myers. "Oh yeah, let's cut away the phone line carrying the will of the people. Let's record their phone numbers and trace their calls for future use in the Predator Drone hit lists!"

CSPAN technicians say that while the NSA spies on every phone number that contacts their feedback line, most calls are made from rural phone booths and spoofed phone lines.

Reports suggest there has been some confusion over the change on the part of Ted Cruz, who has called the line multiple times, sounding confused and bewildered.

"It's just that I hear people call me those words all the time in the Congressional Lunchroom, so I figured they had me confused with the owner of this CSPAN line," Cruz explained. "I'm still not entirely sure who this Crazy Asshole guy is, but I guess he must look a lot like me!"