Bizarro Bloomington, IN (BP)- Ryan A., 13, is a local 8th grader who learned a very valuable lesson about fighting in school after being suspended for a ruthless beating he sustained in home room.
"Bloomington Middle School is proud to be a zero-tolerance compliant campus," said principal Edgar Swanson. "Young Ryan will receive a valuable lesson about becoming involved in physical violence through our strict, no-nonsense punishment policy."
Ryan was quietly reading a book in the back of the room when Harold B., a mentally damaged recipient of constant physical abuse, was falsely informed that Ryan had called him a "fag."
"You nerdy piece of shit!" Harold shouted as he barelled towards his startled adversary. "You're about to look like my mom when she lets my dad's beer get warm!"
The first blow left Ryan concussed and twitching on the floor. His flesh tore beneath a flurry of blows from Harold, who had been held back a number of times and outweighed his opponent by 50 pounds. Due to complications from premature birth and subsequent infections throughout his infancy, Ryan was not athletic and had no real friends. A school resource officer ended the scuffle by spraying a can of bear mace wildly around the room while screaming about "the Hadjis" coming to get him. Had Harold been an adult, he would have certainly been arrested to face serious charges and jail time. Fortunately, because he is a child, the only thing he's guilty of is being a rambunctious little rascal and one hell of a linebacker.
"Ryan has been a model student. It makes me sick to see him become this filthy, violent thug," said homeroom teacher Tiffany Stanford. "Wait, no, 'thug' is for black people. I meant 'punk.' He's a filthy, violent punk."
Here's hoping that when Ryan wakes up from his coma, the part of his brain that hasn't been reduced to spinal fluid will have learned that violence doesn't solve anything. Especially when that violence is unprovoked and not met with any self-defense whatsoever.
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