Fool and Money are Parted

Bizarro Memphis, TN (BP)- A big, stupid idiot fell for a completely obvious scam today.

Ethel Washburn, 83, received a phone call Wednesday morning from a man with an unusual accent. According to the caller, Ethel had just won the Powerball Lottery jackpot.

"I was blown away," said Ethel, gumming away at a Werther's Original. "My fixed income just doesn't cover my medical bills, my rent, my utilities. I could finally enjoy what's left of my retirement."

But Ethel had not been called by a representative from the Powerball Lottery. The call was from Nigeria, and masked by a simple smartphone application. Yeah, I'll give you a second to process this stunning development.

"They usually show up this time of year, right before people start thinking about making ends meet during the holiday season," said Better Business Bureau spokeswoman Candice Wilks. "I wouldn't worry about it, personally. It would take a special brand of dumbass to fall for this."

Fortunately for enterprising Nigerians, they found a true dumbass in Ethel Washburn. Upon requesting her debit card information in order to "directly deposit" her winnings, Ethel did everything she could to decimate her life's savings. Did she think it was strange when the guy requested her pin number, her social security number, and her mother's maiden name? Hell no.

"Get this," said Memphis Cybercrime Taskforce Agent Shaun Bingham. "Lady hasn't bought a lottery ticket for over a year. A year! And when I got her to talking about it, it turns out she didn't buy a lotto ticket at all! It was a goddamn scratch-off!"

As far as retrieving her money and bringing the con artist to justice, Agent Bingham was not optimistic.

"Yeah, let me just hop into my Justice Jet and find a guy hiding out in a country with little to no ability to police their population in any way. That's going to happen," gasped Bingham between gales of laughter.

Nonetheless, the younger members of the Washburn clan are demanding action. Grandson Emil Washburn, 27. was especially adamant that something be done about this humiliating crime.

"My whole goddamn inheritance just got thrown out the window. Do you have any clue how high my student loan debt is?" shouted Emil. "What's it going to take to get her put in a goddamn home? Hell, does Kevorkian have any brothers still kicking around?"