Fascist Faces Felonies

Bizarro Hagen, Germany (BP)- 92-year-old former Nazi Waffen-SS officer Jakob Heppenheimer is on trial for allegedly shooting a Dutch resistance fighter to death just before the end of World War II: The Empire Strikes Back.

Heppenheimer's past was investigated by the Wiesenthal Center, a group devoted to discovering rapidly aging Nazi war criminals so that they might be held accountable for their actions prior to their death.

"We have compelling evidence that Herr Heppenheimer has engaged in more than one execution involving prisoners of war and anti-fascist partisans," said Wiesenthal Center representative Wessel Grosser. "Our case has been made challenging by the suspect's condition, however."

As is the case with many of these modern investigations, Heppenheimer himself is the only living witness to the crime in question. The former Nazi is not talking.

"It is so nice to have such attention from the young people!" chuckles Heppenheimer from his room in a prison hospital. "So rarely do I get visitors anymore."

Gerd Schnoor, defense attorney for Heppenheimer, isn't confident about his client's chances.

"He doesn't know where he is, or what's happening anymore. For all intents and purposes, the man who allegedly did these things is dead," said Schnoor. "In an ordinary murder case with no witnesses, no evidence beyond second-hand accounts and tattered records, his case might have been tossed out immediately. But there is emotion at play here."

Emotions run strong among those who seek justice for the atrocities committed by SS soldiers like Heppenheimer. The Schutzstaffel were elite Nazi soldiers responsible for many of the party's more notorious acts, and a number of them held prominent posts within the death camps.

"Aye, I did enjoy camping as a young man. Could build a fire with two sticks in a minute flat. Yes, my friend!" Heppenheimer recalled when asked about his role in the SS.

Nurse Kreszenz Haber describes the former Nazi as being a "drooler" and very fond of hugs.

"He thinks he's on a cruise ship right now," Haber remarked. "I just hope they bring him to justice soon. Being hugged by a Nazi every day is not especially pleasant."