Bizarro Post Foreign Policy Bureau- Americans are hopeful that they can return to not caring about Syria following an request by Russia that the Assad regime place its chemical weapons under international control. It appears at this time that Assad's government is receptive to the idea.
"Thank God!" shouted Flagstaff, Arizona schoolteacher Sharon Dupree. "It's been a really tense couple of weeks, having to answer questions from my students about all this. I didn't even know where Syria was until I scanned Wikipedia. Now I just can't wait to forget."
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been critical of American intervention since it was initially proposed, and has counted his nation as an ally of Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad. Putin's administration is hopeful that this new deal might halt military strikes by western powers, and reduce the diplomatic pressure placed on Russia by openly aligning themselves with a guy who orders mass murder like he was ordering a pizza.
"He is a good man, really. He is just very upset about mustache. It has always been a terrible burden," explained President Putin. "We are looking into giving him stem cells with DNA of Stalin on lip to perhaps fix this. Provided he meets certain conditions, of course."
Washington is undoubtedly examining this development very closely, but no immediate reaction has been observed. Analysts suggest that the White House may be revising their messaging for the planned address by President Obama on Tuesday.
A number of public figures wasted no time in addressing Putin's offer, including Invisible Children, the human rights advocates behind the controversial "Kony 2012" marketing blitz.
"They've been stealing our thunder for FAR too long!" fumed organization founder Jason Russell. "Kony 2013! Kony 2014! Kony FOREVER!"
Mr. Russell proceeded to disrobe and began twerking violently in the middle of a busy intersection.
It's a feeling that so many Americans can identify with in these trying times, as citizens long to be free from the oppressive violence and death of war. Our bodies are constrained by itchy cotton/polyester blends of combat. Our hips are stilled by the financial burden of occupation. Perhaps this and other developments will allow us the freedom we so desperately seek. The freedom to twerk with friends, twerk with family, and twerk with our communities. With Russia's surprising diplomatic strategy, perhaps the western world can twerk in peace once again.
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