We're Covering Up a Story. Problem?

Bizarro Post Bias Bureau- Something happened today. Something that would undoubtedly change your liberal or conservative notions about the way the world works. This story is something you would have told your grandchildren about. Any jackass can tell America to wake up. But this? This story is a turkey baster full of black coffee and gorilla adrenaline injected straight into your eyeballs. You're not going to hear about it, though. We're covering it up.

That's right. To suit our hidden agenda, we're covering up the most explosive story in generations and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. Maybe we're hiding something on behalf of our corporate sponsors. Maybe we're bleeding heart liberals desperate to make Bill Mahr the uncontested dictator of America. Maybe we're conservative fascists trying to use fear and logical fallacies to coerce you into voting against your best interests. You'll never know, because we're not telling you.

Did you know we have cyanide capsules in our molars in case anyone tries to torture us for information? Whole staff's got them. Even the janitors. And not just to prevent corporate espionage, either. We did it specifically for this story. That's how unbelievably massive this baby is.

Pulitzers? Who needs them? Not us. This meticulously researched investigation is reward enough. Oh God, the quotes. You should see them (and if you were us, you could)! They're from the most powerful people in the nation! Celebrities by the hundreds provided us with even more material! Professors, doctors, Stephen-Fucking-Hawking. 

So anyway, just thought I'd let everyone know that we're manipulating you for our own sinister purposes. Don't worry, I'll bet there's some Hollywood gossip that's sure to entertain. Lady Gaga showed her boobs the other day, you know. See you later, suckers.