Bizarro Post Marine Biology Bureau- It's common knowledge that great white sharks tend to be on the large side, but researchers have noticed that the massive predators are developing some serious muffin tops.
"We checked in on our female [great] white, Mary Lee, and she's really been packing on the pounds," said marine biologist Dr. David Jones. "If she keeps this up, we'll need a bigger research boat! Get it? You see the reference I [Editor's note: Yeah, no.]"
The answer, as is often the case, can be traced back to human behavior.
As obese Americans flock to the American east coast, home of Mary Lee and scores of other sharks, the animals find themselves ingesting a diet consisting of sumo swimmers and tremendous tubers.
"Sharks are what they eat, just like anything else," said marine dietitian Moore Chumley. "And since they go after the slowest, most filling prey they can find, it makes perfect sense they'd alter their diet."
According to Dr. Jones, Americans can help our sharks get back in shape by getting ourselves back in shape before submerging ourselves in the Pacific's salty slaughterhouse. A vigorous massage prior to swimming can also make your muscle fibers more tender and juicy for our toothy aquatic friends
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